Lost

Caleb is still sick. It makes me so sad to see him feel blah, but it's even sadder that I can't do anything too fix it. I can't even urge him to go to the doctor, because he already did. It's just one of those things where we have to wait it out, I suppose.

We lost ESPN today. BYU cable decided to nix it, for whatever reason, after it moved to channel 51. I can adapt, for sure. Caleb, on the other hand, is going to have a tough time. I'm sure there will be a few petitions coming BYU's way, but who knows if they'll pay attention to the cries of married men everywhere. For now, we'll cling to The Mountain and hope that sports will soon return our way.

My group is getting smaller and smaller. I'm losing people left and right. Oh well. Let them go and see if they're welcome when they want to come back.

I Can Be The One To Take You Home

Caleb is just about the best thing that has ever happened to me. More than anything, he is everything I never knew that I wanted; that may sound weird, but I'll explain.

I never knew that I wanted someone who was so sentimental. Holding random things and dates dear was never programmed into my database, so having someone in my life who makes sure we keep pictures around and knows exactly when we had our third date is refreshing. I always thought that I'd want someone who flew by the seat of his pants like I do, but Caleb has tied me to the realities and the warmth of the past.



I never knew that I wanted someone who could be so in tune with his inner kid. Caleb can sing itsy bitsy spider to me over and over again and I will never get tired of it. He will play Mario Kart for hours and still play with all of us who aren't great at it. The faces he pulls and the silly things he does endear him to me in a way that I thought only snarky and smart alec boys could. In fact, Caleb does it better.



Oddly enough, I never knew that I wanted an older brother for my sisters. Caleb has a special brand of love mixed with teasing that my sisters have never really experienced before. He can be a bully to them sometimes and still prove, with a kiss or some warm hands, that he loves them. For someone who was so arbitrary about family in her late teenage years, I now cannot imagine being with anyone who could dislike my family or be decidedly mean to them. And the best bonus is that, for the most part, my sisters and parents love Caleb too.




And finally, I never knew that I wanted someone who would make me better. For how awesome I have always thought I was, Caleb has made me realize that there are so many things that I can improve on. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes us both able to meet the goals that we made for ourselves before we came to Earth. He loves me for me and if I never changed, he would be the happiest guy in the world. But, I know that if I do what I can to add to my good qualities (though few!), he will be that much happier. I've never known anyone who inspires me as much as he does.


In short, Caleb is the best.

I Hate Change

I do. Good change, bad change, change that climbs on rocks. Whenever something happens in my life that I have to get used to or embrace, I'm put out and upset. And then I feel stupid for hating it so much, which makes me more stubbornly opposed to it. In the last 2 weeks, I can only think of two changes that I'm happy with -

#1: Megan's boyfriend Josh (everything she could ever want for a first)











and #2: That I am teaching more classes at Archiver's and actually achieving something there.












Other than that, I'm opposed. Obstinately. Therefore, I'll keep on being my old stubborn self and doing whatever until I feel like doing something differently. Hate. Change.

Looking For Some Crunk Juice

Though the weather is not nrealy as awesome today as it was yesterday, I'm still thinking that things are looking up. I got to leave work early (as does Caleb!), so now I can finally get around to dishes and relaxing. American Idol was great last night and The Office never fails to disappoint (unless it does, in which case I just curse Jim and leave it at that). Fridays are sometimes hard to swallow for me, but today is magic.

You're a VIP (at least to me)

It has been crazy beautiful weather these last couple of days. It makes me long for California winters and going to 3rd period with your 3rd period friends and saying the right answer for the 50th time in a row. In my mind, I was such a baller from the time I was little and now I feel lucky to see the blue sky once in awhile. Silly silly silly.

My Megan just got herself a boyfriend for the first time in history. Being the best friend leads one to play protector, cheerleader and therapist all in one complex role; so, when I found out about the New Boy, I called, cheered, comforted and adviced. So so good, all of this. I'm very excited for her and I know that she will be a great girlfriend who learns a lot from being linked to another person. I've only briefly met Josh and I think his hair is crazy, but I just found out that he's a wiz at tennis and a hopeless romantic. I want Meg to fall in love.

I'm happy that I can feel so elated at waking up today, sore throat and boring day in the back of the line. I have no clue what I'm going to do today, save a visiting teaching appointment at 2. There are options, I suppose, for all of the adventures I could go on - but I am just so happy to be happy that there isn't really much concern put towards the plans today. Maybe American Idol for the third time.

Caleb has been writing ultra deep thoughts in his blog lately, doing whatever he can to get all of his big idea thoughts down on virtual paper. It makes me jealous a little, if only because I wish I could write manifestos the way he does. I've relegated myself to small paragraphs and manic thoughts; all of this because I know that it's not only me reading this space. If it were just me, I'd blow steam and convey all sorts of the magnanimous ventures I persue. Probably better the way it is, if only because my fire simply feeds itself.

Last night, Caleb and I went on our first married double date (because Caleb won't let me count the ones with Rick and Shell; he says they're too familiar to me). Our home teacher, Mitch and his wife Janie came to our house for some Carbonara and to the dollar theater for some "Holiday." I had a blast and am so sad that those two are moving after the semester ends (Mitch graduates and they're going to return to Arizona). My ploy is to tell Janie that she can't move until we both get pregnant at the same time; I doubt it'll work, but I'd love to do water aerobics with her.

It's still earlyish morning, and I'm all prepped and the house looks magical. It's amazing what some Tylenol PM will do for your rest patterns. I slept like a rock and the sun is out, so now I feel like I can take over the world. Maybe I will, so I can tell people exactly how to act and then change won't be so hard for me. Yaaaay sunshine.

A Cleaner Point of View

I don't know what makes me want to keep it all in at the moment. It may be that I feel like my life isn't really in my control at the moment and it may be that I'm overworked and underpaid. But, all that I really know is that life has been kind to me and I may as well start returning the favor. Even if it puts me out of favor.

Work went well today and went by fast. That's always a sign that work might be better than average; I was helping people decorate picture frames all day and chatting with them to pass the time. I would make an excellent bartender and an even better politician. What with my matchmaking skills going to waste, I may as well find a better hobby to while away the countless hours. Bartending. It's something to think about.

Being an LDS girl, it's interesting to grow up and have life change so quickly all with one foul swoop. That of clothing (and underclothing), that of friends (and acquaintances) and that of all manners of discussion topics (and idle chatter). What I wouldn't give to be able to have my skin show at the bottom of my shirt sometimes and there are thousands of things that I could think of that are better to stand around and talk about besides what baby wipes are best for babies' bottoms and for cleaning up crafts. It's inane. And so is the feeling of elastic around my thorpex.

Plain and simple, I need to start doing things anonymously and then being upfront with myself. I know that's been a running theme with this blog for a couple of posts, but I can't seem to drive it home hard enough.

At This Point, It's Just Hating the Game

I have this savage cut on my foot that came from who knows where. And after picking up the house, I put on my red Steve Maddens because I'd so carelessly left them around from last night. Now, I'm strutting in 3 inch heels and showing off my wound to The Warrior. He's my fish. No one else is here to see it.

After an odd morning of waking up, reading, going to sleep again and waking up again, I was pretty rancid. I am glad no one was here to see me so rotten. A shower helped, plus exercising some demons and then I had an epiphany. Everyone's business is NOT my business. Though I like to imagine that I'm an actually helpful individual and an empathic one at that, I am batting .000 at keeping my heart from breaking. So, I'll love who I love and I'll hate who I hate. There will be wonderings on my part and there will be suggestions in my pocket. But few, if any, will know about them because, gosh dang, I hate being the fragile one. It's not fun or pretty to hear "don't get upset about what I'm about to say" or "don't worry about this one" when people AREN'T dying and it shouldn't affect me.

Therefore, if you're used to being gossipy with me or getting excited with me, you're going to start writing checks you can't cash. Out of luck.

Tonight is a new Office; I believe Ryan the (former) temp is taking Michael to be a guest speaker at his business school. That should prove to be entertaining, but the main event will be the Jim/Pam interaction that hopefully won't be ignored. We'll see!

I learned how to play chess last Sunday; I didn't get thrashed (thankfully), so I'm likely to play again even though I lost. Caleb was a very patient teacher and I didn't throw the game table in fury. So, that's one for the record books.

Been Hatin' All My Playin' For Years

I'm feeling manic today; simply, luxuriously manic. I had forgotten how much inspiration comes from boredom and how much prose is possessed in the state of blah. Dressed like a soccer mom today (which, I would be happy if I looked like this at 40) and hair all tied up like I actually have a need to have it out of my face. I don't. Not today. Day off of work and a husband gone all day. If I were a bit more acerbic, I'd probably have gone on a shopping spree already today. I've been meaning to get a pair of leggings to avert the cool winter chill. That chill's not even upon us today.

We are doing secret valentines at work; the girl I have is never there and the girl who has me is probably frustrated that I'm always there. The magical gift I received is a teeny tiny cookie cutter that is in the shape of a heart with an arrow across it. Owned it for days, but it still hasn't gone to any good use. I feel like today is the day, though sugar cookies just sound awful to me. Maybe I can give them away as little valentine's helper gifts to great people in my life. Adversely, the cookie idea is a pretty obtuse one, considering that I'm on steroids that make me fat.

I'm not feeling any better intrinsically, so the steroids are for naught at the moment.

The whole housewife thing is not as bad as I imagined it to be; now that the lines have been set straight about who does what and who comes where and when we are where we are, I find that chores and foodstuffs aren't as difficult as once thought. Now, for some reason, I feel like there is nothing I'd rather do than the wifey things around the house, the errands needing to be run, all day long for the rest of my life. But then it all sets in: no money for a baby (and that wait is getting longer the more days I'm married), no end in sight for the scrapbooking tour of duty and pressures to be The Best, The Helpfullest, The Wife. Not to mention I'd get so frickin' bored.

It has been a long while since I've had to entertain myself for hours and hours on end. When we first got married, Caleb would trip his way to school and I would proceed a long day without shower and with lots of Cash Cab. I showered early today, got dolled up and immediately did dishes, laundry AND vacuuming. All to no avail; I'm still bored. The only thing to cure the boredom now is some calesthenics and perhaps some breakfast for dinner.