We Never Change, Do We

It's a thrilling thing to look back on the year passing as another one is coming, full throttle. But, for me, it's a bigger event to look back on your life as a whole and to see where it could be heading. I think 2007 has been my best year to date, but I think 2008 has the possibility to surpass the rest.

I'm happier, smarter, more mature, and more willing to accept the consequences for my actions.
Ready to be an adult.

But excited to look back at the fun of yesteryear.

Everything That I'm Thinking

I wish I could be petulant. I wish there was room enough in my life to go on tiny rampages and let everyone else deal with the consequences. If that were the case, I'd have a lot more open enemies, but maybe I'd lose a little perspective, too. And sometimes I wish for that loss of perspective, that void of knowing that the high school politics are just stupid games.

But, there's no room for that. I have to make big girl decisions and take care of my adult life. I get to realize that there is more to me than what I have now. And, I depend on me for my happiness.

I'm going to make the best of my situation. And I'm going to feel bad for anyone else who has decided not to do so.

Love is a Mix Tape

My dad tells this story about my mom sometimes.

She was young, first married and first-time pregnant. My dad decided to be a dream and make his wife dinner; when things like that happen, it's usually a pretty fancy ordeal. So, my dad chose to make leg of lamb, among other things. And when the time came, my hormone-filled mom mourned the poor three-legged lamb in the meadow.

Suffice it to say she didn't eat it. Or at least, as far as I remember.

And because I can't sleep tonight, I keep thinking about this.

*****

My mom also used to tell us that certain things were "journal entries" in our lives. If something awesome happened or something once-in-a-lifetime happened, it was a journal entry. Or, at least a potential one. And as I'm re-reading my journals, I realize that I didn't take her up on that offer. Most of my super-important milestones have gone unrecorded. Sometimes that irks me, that I'll never quite remember what I was thinking on my wedding day or that fateful breakup the summer after my senior year.

The things that I did record, however, are still pretty cool. I know exactly what I was thinking during my first boy/girl dance in the 8th grade, I have each word recorded from my first request for a kiss. My first recurring nightmare is laid out in detail. And though I thought that I remembered all of these things, I realize that I don't have all the little details chalked in. The journal entries help fill in the flash.

So, Mom, I'll try to be better with the small things and even better with the big things.

There are many boys in my little journals, in hints; it's already pretty well-known. It's also something I've been thinking about. Mostly because Megan bought me the book Love Is a Mix Tape and I, of course, devoured it not even 24 hours after getting it. It's not a chick book, really, and it's not long. But, the whole point of it is that this guy remembers his wife who (spoiler alert!) has already died of a pulmonary embolism after 5 years of marriage through all the mix tapes they made for the 10 years they were together.

It has made me wonder if I could pour out a whole novel about my intense and lengthy affair with boys through words.

I mean, I wrote probably 5 pages of notes a day in middle school, right? And I kept all of my notes received in shoe boxes. Like, boxes under my bed. And of course, there's the introduction of AIM into my life. And email. And message boards. And blogs.

I could bang out 50,000 words easily about that. And probably make it halfway interesting. But, I want it to be a confessional. The point is that I want every past boy to be laid out, at his best, of course. I want it to be some final hurrah for those guys who need to be put to rest. And for those who are still alive for me, I need it to be this dedication of solidarity.

And I'm talking like this is going to happen.

******

And I'm going to try to sleep. It's just Christmas Eve Eve and I am already waiting for Santa.

We're Not Gonna Pay

My heart is just bursting. And there is no reason for it.

We saw a crappy movie tonight. It's so stinking cold here. My Christmas shopping isn't done yet and I am considering just giving cash money instead of gifts.

I'm just feeling inspired because I have to. I lead a small town life and I usually have small town ambitions, being a wife and mother to people I care about.

But lately, I'm obsessed with three things: babies, not living an internet life, and being in a rock band.

My new ethnicity is currently Rock Star.That's all I can relate to right now. I feel like there should be some Rock Star club on campus that I can join and bond with my fellow Rock Star brethren. I want to get fake tattoos and just put them everywhere. My gut is telling me that I have this huge potential to blow the brains out of multiple sources if only I just put all of my restlessness into one huge EP. But I have no one proficient enough in rock and roll to guide my along my way.

And I'm sick of leading my internet life. There were times when the internet was all I had to keep myself sane, but I look back on those times and realize that there was a fine line between sane and complete BS. When I recently deleted my yahoo account, I was going through old emails for useful content and I got so mad at myself for years wasted, hearts broken. I knew better than all that. I was so hungry for attention and so craving of validation that I just left my heart trail strewn across countless virtual wastelands. I have set myself up for meeting these great people and then having them completely inaccessible in the real world. I've said it before and I'll say it again, all I want is to have all the people I love close enough to hold. And my stupid internet life puts me in touch with people I'll never really touch. I hate myself for that.

The babies? What's new with that, other than I'm taking my prenatal vitamins every day. The weeks are crawling by and the closer it gets, the less I feel up for it. My life is colliding into one massive a-bomb come January, so I want to turn around and back up into it, blindfolded. And part of that is to just skate into having a baby. All the other parts are going to be so hard, so I hope that karma and fate decide to make the baby part easy, initially.

*****

These things, these thoughts that flood my mind every second of the day, may sound daunting, dastardly, decidedly off-putting. But they are gunning me toward pushing the envelope and being That Girl. I've just got to get there. I've just got to.

Here's A Late-Night Letter

This is all meta. Don't read this if that bores you.

****


One thing I've always struggled with was the here and now. The days gone by are best and the future kid holds so much more than I'd ever want or need. But the now? Eh, just give me tomorrow.

So, I'm never surprised when I feel anxious. The heart beating out of my chest for no real reason is something that has always frequented my life. It's never shocking when I want to get in a car and drive or take all that well-saved cash and blow it on bubble gum. And it's actually no surprise when I do those things.

I just am not in love with this moment. Or this moment. Or this one.

So, there are dreams I like to dream; they usually include blowing this popsicle stand and doing the unexpected. The solace I find in this is that I know that even if I did that, I'd continue dreaming about it. If I found myself on the other side of the world, meditating and serene, I would assuredly be wistful about days of deadlines and dishes.

My life is happy. My life is blessed. But I don't know how to deal with my restlessness now that my life is tied to another person's. There have always been consequences to my actions and there was never a carte blanche. Now, those consequences are bigger and my limitations are squeezed. All blissfully, but still there.

I just want what I want and I feel like I should get what I need. But I don't know what's best for me. A better question is who does? In my heart of hearts, there are a couple things I'm dying for.

And here I thought that this was a 48-hour bug. Eating me up inside now, I suppose. Just be normal, Holly. Get back to yesterday's normal.

Last Night, You Told Me Secrets You've Never Told A Soul

Yesterday was a day of being freezing, but ultimately of becoming a person that I want to be.

Free to Do What I Want

I could totally be wrong, but I believe that my cousin Cari has tagged me to tell six interesting things about myself. And if I actually am wrong, I'll just be my interesting little self anyway.

1. Individually, I like people who amaze the pants off me and make me feel inferior in essentially every way, shape and form. Gives me some belief in the human race and doesn't leave me the entirety of leading the people to freedom; it's always nice to be able to pass the buck, throw it up, etc. My admirations lean to the methodical, the disregarding, those who work hard for the money and pull it off with ease. If you can bend your thumb back to touch your arm, I'm doubly impressed. When you get some of these ultras together, however, they instantly become a) the magic to end all magic or b) kids of the conundrous doldrums. How I am apt to hate large groups of splendid people. Then it's the realization that perhaps I'm inferior for a reason. In the social setting, they become a sound rather than a wall of it. Clique. Their outrageousness should stun us all to the walls, praying that we might get to touch them when we wait outside after the concert. More likely than not they're circling it up, telling jokes about catharsis and whispering about all the marvelous things they could be doing. These were the kids I knew/hated in high school. But person to person, they were a dream.

2. My first boyfriend once told me that I was the most attractive after a good crying fit. Thinking about my blotchy eyes and black tiger-striped face, I was baffled at his comment. Wiping a stray hair out of my face, he carmel-covered it by saying that it made me more child-like and humble; he said it was the only time that he ever felt like he could baby me the way he wanted to, because any other time I demanded control. That, and my eyes turn the most amazing blue. Every boyfriend after this has agreed with this statement.

3. Because I'm rather fancy, I love to express myself. I am struck by the amount of wonder that I can exude when I'm feeling wide-open-spaces inside. I've always felt wonder at things that impress me; not the puzzled wonder of a question unanswered, but an awe that makes me spread out on the grass and gaze at the sun until I'm blind.

4. I wish that I had a sign to switch on and off that indicated how I wish to be treated that day; like, some days I want to be held like a doll and waited upon and treated as though I were a tad of a plaything. Obviously, on other days I would find this degrading and disgusting, but for those certain days, it just seems to fit. I often have to battle it out between hardcore and arrogant. And arrogance usually wins.

5. Now, with all this relatively heavy material, you probably consider me to be an incredibly dark person. But I'm not; I'm really not. I don't think I could be friends with anyone fun unless I was willing to roll around in the snow or scream at the top of my lungs. I'm more fun than cotton candy and bouncy balls- combined. I'm a prankster, a heckler and a doofus. I sleep with stuffed animals and I have an Ariel the Little Mermaid alarm clock. If that's not the quintessential mark of fun, I don't know what is. I've been known to sing the wrong words to songs on purpose, play with sidewalk chalk and have candy fights. I dance in front of the mirror when I'm alone. I watch Bill Cosby and laugh my brains out. The most purely entertaining movie I've ever seen is a movie called Surf Ninjas. When I want to get out of a funk, I throw in my Spice Girls CD and shout the lyrics to "Wannabe." I look like I'm a pre-pubescent boy when I flip my pen around my thumb. And yes, I do think the word "poop" is funny. I am ridiculous, and that's important to know.

6. And Baby Holly used to live here.


Now, Shelley, Mom and Caleb are tagged. Do this or die!

A Preview of The Snow Shoot

For a class of Caleb's, we had to have a photo shoot. It just so happened that we got our first real snow on the day it was planned. Here are a few that we took that day.

That I Ever Did Receive

Thanksgiving was wonderful; Redlands welcomed me home and offered awesome inside jokes, wonderful food and deserts and best of all, my childhood journals.

I had been inspired by Caleb's previous journals to find my own and check out what crazy things I wrote as an 8 year old. So, when I got home, Mom helped me dig them out of the old boxes in the garage - it was a treasure hunt!

And after surviving a few brutal public readings and reading them through myself, my journals have inspired me to change a few things in my life. One of these things is really getting back to pencil and paper. This blog is wonderful for being accessible to friends and family, but it's terrible for actually letting the catharsis process work. So, I think I'm going to do that.

Make it Happen, Cap'n

Tomorrow marks the first day that our church nursery will have all 2 year olds; it won't make too much of a difference, but it is still an exciting benchmark.

When Caleb and I went to his English Fall Social, we were able to look around the one of the newer buildings on campus, the Gordon B. Hinckley Alumni building. There were so many exhibits and plaques that taught so much about this extraordinary man; I appreciated so much how beautiful it all was. However, I saw one thing that I knew someone would be able to appreciate better than I would.

This is the Marjorie Hinckley chair that was dedicated to the prophet's wife before she died, for her commitment to strengthening home and family. I'd heard about it on campus and I had forgotten that it even existed until I saw it in this building. I didn't think that it would get any cooler, but then I read the plaque that goes along with it.

The last paragraph is the most touching, as it is a quote from President Hinckley at the groundbreaking of this building. It reads:

"There is only one thing that dulls the luster of this occasion, and that is the absence of my beloved companion. But she has on this campus a chair, which carries her name, and I now have a building. Maybe we could move her chair into my building and we'd be together again."

I had to take some pictures of these things because I knew my mom would appreciate it the most of all. So, here we are.

Also, speaking of taking pictures for people who aren't here, Caleb and I saw the perfect thing for our friend Natalia and we just had to take a picture of it. It is called the Aerogarden and I think she would love it. Therefore, Nat, if you're reading this, we're thinking of you and your green thumb in Provo.

You're Only 16

I just wrote my first 600 words of the Nano because I figure that if I'm not doing my usual work schedule, I may as well do something. It's not the greatest piece of literature ever and it probably won't turn into the 50,000 word monstrosity that Nano asks for, but I at least feel a little accomplished.

Caleb has requested that we have a group photo shoot over the weekend; it will include friends, family and the perfect locale, wherever that may be. I feel like for this huge occasion, I should do something bright and shiny to make myself better, faster, stronger. So...

I wish, I wish, I wish for brown hair. The richer, the better. And some cute bangs.

Decompress, Holly.

The Score

I'm overflowing. I was so diligent about posting and pondering and purveying and then all the walls came crashing back up again, so my thoughts have been bottled up. Now that they've turned into jelly, I've realized what a waste that was. So, here I am, spilling over

Also, there has been an ebb and flow with my desire to scrapbook lately. And now I am on the "do it do it do it!" portion of that cycle. But not just any scrapbooking; I recently got a book called We Dare You, which really is a great book about scrapping ALL the things in life, not just the foofy la la ones. I've already done a page about the difficulty of a particular part of blending two lives together [see: finances] and I have another, more controversial page in mind. Actually, now that I think about it, I have a few that I want to do. The point is, brethren, I have to grasp at this whim while it is around. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in life soon, with nothing to show for it.

Obviously enough, this is the month of November. I know I said I'd be doing National Novel Writing Month and pounding out words like a crazy woman. But the beginning of the month held more important things, so I've abandoned the idea as a whole. Now I feel vaguely void in that creative area of my brain; must be why I'm itching to let it all out in other areas.

I know this might be spilling all the beans. It could be a crazy ordeal and start all sorts of mishaps. But I don't care. Here goes, home slice:

So, I talked to Caleb online before I went to pick him up from work on Monday; he was in a foul mood. I always have to decide how far in I want to pry when this occurs, so this time I was set to be as supportive as I could and asked the reasoning behind the pout.

He begins to tell me how upset he is at the Health Center and BYU insurance in general. I thought it might have been an overcharge or that they'd been harassing him in some other manner, but I was wrong. He explains that he had been in contact with them all day, trying to change our insurance to maternity that very day. Apparently that isn't allowed and the soonest switch comes winter semester.

All of this is a shock to me, as I had previously thought that maternity was not an option until January anyway. A good shock. A great shock.

He reveals that he's decided that he is ready ASAP for a baby. But the insurance is not.

So, two more months.

I'm very happy.

I've Always Had a Passion for Flashing

Two names you go by:
1. H to the L.O.

2. Hollz

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. My wedding ring

2. A Shade shirt

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:
1. Fun
2. Understanding

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Have parties

2. Sleep in with Caleb!

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A big family

2. A new fish

Two favorite pets you have had/have
1. Twinkles, a springer spaniel dog

2. Joe, my favorite guinea pig

Two things you did last night:
1. Rewatched the most recent episode of "The Office"

2.Watched Sportscenter

Two things you ate today
1. Count Chocula

2. A bean and cheese burrito from Bajio

Two people you last talked to:
1. My mom

2. My husband

Two things you're doing tomorrow

1. Meeting with an academic counselor

2. Teaching a class at Archiver's

Two longest car rides:
1. From Redlands to Yellowstone

2. From Provo to Elk Point

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween

2. 4th of July

Two favorite beverages:
1. Chocolate milk

2. Orange juice!

Two shows last watched
1. The Office

2. How I Met Your Mother

Next two places you want to visit:
1. Bartlesville, OK

2. Redlands, CA!

You've Got The Keys

Caleb and I just came from a rousing Primary Presentation practice with some really cute and cool little kids. Caleb gets to tend to the smartest ever McKenzi (who decided it would be a good time to practice her grunting when she got the the microphone) and I get to have fun with our little Travis and Samuel. We are very blessed to have access to these sweet spirits; the best part about it is that they all know how to crack us up. Maybe one day we'll have a little comedian in the family!

***********

My first Saturday off in awhile; I was hoping that we'd be able to go to the corn maze or something similar, but anything could happen in this great fall weather. With the new addition of Transformers Monopoly to our house, there is the possibility that we'll be buying and trading Autobots until the early morning light.

Work has been going fine; I was alerted yesterday that we will be closing down for a week or two in January to take care of the gross, molded tile and carpet from the Labor Day flood, so I'll have to think of some great projects to keep me from being bored. Or, how about I just start school? I really love the people I work with and I hope that I won't be a bum and lose track of them when I stop working there.

It's amazing to me how much one depends on his or her body when trying to accomplish something. For instance, yesterday at work, my body decided that the muscles weren't needed, which made the remaining two hours literally drag. I even asked if maybe I could go home early, which everyone must have thought that I was pulling another one of my pranks, because they just laughed. Wherever this pure exhaustion is coming from, it should be explained soon. If it's mono, Julie's going to hear about it from me!I just want to be a warrior.

Please Bless Her That All Her Dreams Will Come True

My hair is getting longer. I promise.

***********

Yesterday was our first time with our ward in almost a month; we had strep for a week and then General and Stake conferences, so we were out of commission with the ward for so long. At any rate, I was stoked to teach our little nursery class and practice singing the primary songs for the primary presentation. Let it suffice to say that I was in a happy mood.

While we were singing the opening hymn, my eyes started to well up with huge tears. At first, I was convinced that I was just so happy to be there with my husband that my emotions got the best of me. Then, as my tears flowed through the sacrament, the first speaker, the second speaker, the special musical number and the last speaker, I was otherwise convinced.

The answer hasn't come yet, and while I pulled it together for nursery, I am still feeling the unexplained emotional power.

Yay for being a girl.

You make me somebody
Nobody knows me
Not even me can see

There are times when I feel antsy. Like now. There are times when I type "three" instead of "there." Like now. There are times when I feel inspired to be my very best. And my very worst. Being crazy is inspiring and being normal is welcoming.

****************

And my life is very good compared to most. I wish I could record all of the worst moments of people's lives, string them together and see who has the longest, most dreadful video. And when I had all the movies of the people that mean the most to me, I'd have an exclusive film festival showing the very best and very worst.

When all the popcorn is gone and the lights turn back on, I would want to turn to the viewers and say:

When you saw your life flash before your eyes, did it sting? When you saw others' lives, did it hurt? I know my life is good and I'm sure your's is too. Please hold on when it hurts and please remember that when it stings, your life is good.

It breaks my heart to see people I love struggle over grains of sand.

I Cannot Be More Crystal Clear Than How Crystal Clear I am Being Right Now

My idle thoughts are crazy today - mellow songs from days gone by and classic wonderings about strange logistics. I wonder what it's like to have normal thoughts.

Yesterday, I made the best dessert ever on the planet, Ghosts in the Graveyard! I am super in love with this, as it blends the delicious Oreo and the charming chocolate pudding. The Chatfield family found this recipe in a Sunday newspaper clipping through a magical stroke of luck; our lives have never been the same after partaking it for the first time. I love the simplicity of the ingredients and the extreme deliciousness at the consumption of it. Love. Love love love.

I just had to share. Life is good.

You Come Swimming Into View

I am a face toucher. I can't stop touching my face, even if there is nothing going on up there. There is no apology big enough that would make this weird habit okay. It's one of those things that definitely increases the oil production on my face and keeps me looking young with all that acne. Or something.


I'm swinging. Mood swinging. All of the inanity that goes on in my life is usually soothing; it gives me something to figure out and handle and problem solve. But lately, I am going out of my mind with how one minute, everything is cool and the next, I'm blatantly freaking out. Hello, early menopause! It may be that there are multiple Hollys just wanting more air time; the cryptic and seductive Holly must be put on pause for the extremely irritated and sensitive Holly. Or something. It is a vexing thing, if only because I can't pinpoint why all of this is happening. And at the moment, I don't feel too badly for anyone who has to deal with me. But, this is selfish and unfeeling Holly, so who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?

Today, I made and sent a cute Thank You card to the poor owner of the wrecked Ford Focus. I didn't know how to word "Sorry your car is totaled, but you were really nice to me," so I just made the card as cute as I could and basically put "thanks" inside. It's the thought that counts, which is awesome because it's the only thing that I put thought into all day.


Which, I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but Caleb and I went to the IMAX theater to see "Transformers" on the big screen. We went last Friday and had a fun time eating burgers before the show and sitting at the feet of alien robots during the show. This is of note because it was my last ditch effort to have Caleb see the movie in the theater one more time before the DVD came out yesterday. And yes, we now own it.

I will not waste tomorrow.

Rain On Me

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm angry. I want to just to forget this day and skip to tomorrow. I'm tired of not flossing and I want to be the stunner that I feel like I used to be. All that I ever was is just floundering in pretty much an unending cycle of no laundry being done.

Don't worry, I'm not dressing up for Halloween.

We got boo'ed today, with cute rice krispies halloween shapes that have candy corns on them. A bright spot.

Oh, did I mention that I got in a car wreck? Had I stopped to get milk, that probably wouldn't have happened. The cop was awesome; he gave me copies of the info for the other two cars involved in the crash. Having this information makes me want to drive to the little child's house and bash in his mailbox. My car is fine, I'm a little tweaked in the neck and thank goodness the weather was good. But, I'm just ticked. My very first car accident ever turned out so fine, but it's a good thing I didn't get hit by a mean gravel truck; I would be suing the living daylights out of everyone involved! Car wreck, car wreck. Grrrr.

I can't stop being exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, my body does NOT want to go. I stink. I'm terrible.

Find Your Dream Come True

There has been a quiet stillness in the house. Most people would equate that to peace, happiness, tranquility; for me, it's almost boring.

I can't stop being me.

With the coming National Novel Writing Month coming up, I'm excited to put myself in yet another unfinished work. Last year, I was able to come up with a small amount of ideas before November 1st came; as for the here and now, I'm just going to fly by the seat of my pants and hope that I don't completely embarrass myself in the process. The only thing I can think of to do that would actually help me accomplish the 50,000 word goal is to write a bunch of short stories. I don't happen to be the most creative writer in the world, so one huge, whole storyline that requires a beginning, middle and end sounds too extreme for me. Now, if I cut that up into little sections that I could fill with witty anecdotes and poignant plot points, then I might just reach it. Might being the key factor.

Just give me one more chance to make it right

Say It Again: So It Is.

Right now, I'm sitting, watching the BYU/UNLV game. It's the first one this football season that I've been able to see. There are a few reasons why I've missed out so much: I've been working, I've been otherwise engaged, the games haven't been broadcast on The Mountain. It's amazing how last season, I was so diehard and now I'm just a casual fan. I know the names of the quarterback and a few of the running backs and that's it; this time last year, I could tell you the names and numbers of so many more players. I also didn't really work on Saturdays ever last year.

What a difference 365 days makes.

Feeling hungry, even though we ate a couple of hours ago. Since the McDonald's monopoly craze has begun, Caleb and I figured that we should take advantage of our chicken mcnugget addiction and get some big money out of it. Therefore, I'm in charge of keeping track of all the little pieces, as well as entering them onto the virtual game board. I say all this because we had McDonald's a little before the football game started and it makes me crazy to have my body tell me it's hungry when I know it shouldn't be.

It is a big dream for me that my eyes don't eventually give out on me. They are just terrible already; usually I can at least fake it when I can't see something, but lately I've been feeling really hindered. The other day I left the house to go get Caleb from work, forgetting that I hadn't grabbed my glasses. By the time I drove the 4 minutes to the Joseph F. Smith building, I was tired of squinting and made Caleb drive home. I'm pondering whether it would be a smart idea for me (once Caleb gets a big boy job and actual insurance) to get Lasik surgery; I know that it isn't exactly necessary, since I don't need my glasses first thing in the morning, but it might save my life in case I need to drive in an emergency or something.

For what it's worth, I am enjoying the rain, though others aren't.

Someday, I hope that I get a new fish soon. My grief has subsided over The Warrior and I think that another fish would be a good addition to the Flanagan home. Every time we consciously visit Wal-mart to get another beta fish, they either are severely lacking in quantity or missing something in quality. The only thing I can think of that is holding us back is that the timing isn't right. Someday!

And it looks like we won't end up dressing up for Halloween.

I'm feeling like I was right about big changes.

You Want to Rock, Let's Rock!

There are spiderwebs outside my back door. Also, ghosts with newspaper for brains.

YAY HALLOWEEN!

***************

It's interesting what happens when I'm not in the mood to do things. For instance, today, I was called upon to teach a small make and take at work; for some reason, I hadn't really gotten in the groove and I just wasn't really feeling peppy enough to promote a stamp press.

Which reminds me, I think my cramps may have lead me to a caffeine addiction.

Anyway, I knew I would have to push through these blahs, so I ramped up and decided to fake it 'til I made it. Of course, things went well (though not as well as most of my classes). I just can't believe that people are able to do things that would normally be against their will.

YAY BEING A GROWN-UP!

I want to be more productive and we might be going to Lagoon.

She Had So Much Soul

I just wrote Tim a letter. A couple of pages long with a few P.S. notes on the back, it just reminded me of how much I love to love people. He was a very good boy and I'm glad that he doesn't balk at the thought of his ex-girlfriend's older, married sister writing him letters from half-way around the world.

Make them straighten up their hat
Because she knows they're soft

All is well in the Flanagan house for another day. I am going to put up the faux cobwebs and the sweet Halloween banner Mommy made me last year to welcome another October 31st. I love Halloween so much and I can't believe that this year we're actually going to the ward activity dressed up! It's just too bad that the little Wymount kids aren't trick or treating here this year; I may have to have our nursery kids come anyway, because I bet they'll be so cute!

I just turned up the heater. Holla!

Going back to the first thought, I am so happy to like the people I like. I also like to not like the people I don't like, which is definitely a drawback to my personality. I don't like it when people I like give me reasons to not like them. I also don't like it when people I don't like give me reasons to like them. I like familiarity and hate change. I like to be liked. I also like to be disliked.

Just In Time To Save the World From Being Taken Over

I have a friend/co-worker who is due to have her very first baby on October 20th; her doctor says that the baby could come at any time and to be ready for it. Her husband is in Iraq until May and she works just as much as I do at Archiver's. The other day, she and I were talking about the possibility of doing a scrapbooking night sometime next month and she pointed out that she would have to wait to see what her babysitting schedule looked like.

It was pointed out that she doesn't have to worry about that kind of thing now and that perhaps it should stay that way - keep the baby in her forever until she doesn't have to be babysat anymore.

Later that evening, Caleb stated that he would like it if all babies were born 8 months old, because apparently that's when babies become fun.

It's obvious that at the Flanagan house, we have a skewed vision of what it means to bring a life into the world.

Let's go on a living spree
They say the best things in life are free

This weekend was supposed to be full of spiritual goodness and jammies, as it was time for the the bi-annual General Conference. However, instead, I worked straight through almost all 4 sessions. I caught the last hour or so of the Sunday afternoon session, which gave me goosebumps and all. Then I was able to go to Grandma Chatfield's for Sunday dinner, which made for some interesting conversation. I'm sure my husband will reference in his blog at some point this week about how I was (kiddingly!) mentioning his poor kissing skills.

I also referenced last night that when I'm having a bad day, it takes me 5 minutes to write paragraphs and paragraphs. But, today, it's taken me 45 minutes to write these few sentences. Guess that means it's a pretty good day.

I Only Want Sympathy in the Form of You Crawling Into Bed With Me

I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer

This is the third time I've tried writing a post today. The other times there have been distractions and apathetic thoughts and all other manner of intimidating things - but here I am, keeping it real.

My bathroom is clean, as is my kitchen. My fridge is cleaned out and I have a feeling that no one else but me will notice that I swept up all the cheez-its from the pantry. My day off was spent cleaning - trying to chase away my bad mood.

Wouldn't you rather be a winner?

The truth of it all is that I am planning a few life-changing events to happen concurrently, which is just silly from all angles. The plan is for us to start trying to have a baby in January, while I was recently told that I have been accepted for my 800th try at going to school at BYU. Not only will we be bringing new life into the world, but I'll be trying to get myself to actually succeed in something I know I can be good at.

I have been inhaling youtube when it is allowed on the BYU network; if it's available, I drop pretty much everything and watch music videos, parodies, video blogs. Fall Out Boy, Usher, U2, Perez Hilton, White and Nerdy, Hot in Herre by Jenny Owens Young. It is a disease, I say.

Speaking of, apparently I've liked Fall Out Boy since before I knew who they were. All of these videos are revealing who the authors of multiple formerly-anonymous songs are. Loving it.

You're Unbreakable, Unmistakable, Highly Capable

I just can't stop making funny nose sounds! First thing in the morning and I'm quietly laughing because my body is this rancid orchestra.

There are just so many things racing through my mind - as you can tell from the title of my post, all of these things are empowering and really really really happy. The times when I have so many good happenings and inspiration to be better, faster, stronger should always coincide with great wake-up hair.

Since Prince was on Apollonia
Don't act like I never told ya

Remember, a few days/weeks/posts ago, when I said I was over the baby thing? Good thing that there are moments in life that bring us back to where we want to be, even if we don't know it right then. During my class at Archiver's yesterday, I got to hold a punk rock baby named Reggie; he held on to my hair and fell asleep on my shoulder, all the while drooling, drooling, drooling. And I'm not going to renig on a dream, you know?

Caleb has been so sick and right on the cusp of him feeling world-famous again, I catch the sluggish onset and the muscle spasms that kept me on the couch all night. And now that I'm feeling high on good ideas and a bit of Lortab, I can't wait to get better and paint the town so bright red. It's the one thing about me that I think is really unique - I get skin-bursting whims to do some really great things.

Turn me up!

I can feel change coming. Whether it's the weather or my insides or something in the world, there's going to be a change. And a good change, which is so hard to come by.

The Things I've Been Thinking In Spurts

Every scrapbook page I've made and liked in the last month has been the property of Archiver's. It's also been 8x8.

My nose is ridiculous. Doesn't there come a point when it's boring to be sick?


I've finally come to realize that the quality of friends is the bottom line.

My heart is warmed by all the spiritual blessings I've received lately.

A Meant to Be Moment

Old friends! New lovers! And the disabled!

I wore my husband's khakis to work today. Happy "Didn't Do the Laundry and Now You Get to Pay the Price For It" day!

A sore throat lead to sharing it, doctoring it and now to poisoning it with thousands of milligrams of medicine. Caleb coerced me to the health center and I only went because I thought it might be mono. It's terribly perplexing to me how I have come to distrust anyone who tries to fix anything of mine that is broken; ever since January, when the fancy machines and doctors couldn't tell me why my head was exploding, I have taken an active disinterest in paying someone and wasting my time, only to receive a kick in the pants in return. That is why this dyslexic laptop will never get sent away, my ear will always pop and my parents' oven stays kaput.

Lady Dreamer
You may be the soundest sleeper

As always, an unpopular topic. But here it is.

To be frank, I have recently put the idea of a baby in the backseat. Not that it wasn't important or that there wasn't a chance, but more that other things and passions and ideas made it so I didn't have to think about a baby 24/7. A freeing experience, to say the least.

None of this means that I don't want to have a baby. It just means that I actually am seeing that there's life without the existence of making life, you know?

Seeing some of our old friends
Feels good to dance again



Who does this girl look like? Why is it that when I uploaded photos of the Colors concert to my computer that I was wondering why a picture of Shelley was in with them? I must be the only one who sees it.

Should I Address All My Letters to the Well To Be?

Why is it that my urges to blog come 5 minutes before I have to be anywhere? What is it about the rush that makes my brain function?

That's it. I don't have enough NOW NOW NOW in my life. I can pretty much set my own terms and negotiate my contract. My specialty is not cracking under pressure, shining when there's blood, sweat and tears. And I just don't have that right now.

Listening to Jason Mraz makes me feel more magical.

I love being in love and working with people I love and having these moments that make everything seem glittered in twinkle dust.

I'm a Hazard to Myself

Do yourself a favor, you who can't see without glasses. Read this poem.

I've been reluctant to wear my glasses, recently; it's a mixture of hating to depend on something and thinking about this poem. For those who aren't link followers, the poem by Lisel Mueller describes Monet refusing to have surgery done on his failing eyes. At one point, he says,

"I tell you it has taken me all my life
to arrive at the vision of gas lamps as angels,
to soften and blur and finally banish
the edges you regret I don't see...."

I've been trying to appreciate the things that are closest to me, both in proximity and in feeling. Luckily, I'm incredibly near-sighted (so much so that something that is three feet from my face is hazy), which aids me in paying attention to my immediate surroundings. As far as the people closest to me, they know I'm blind and don't laugh too much as I squint to see them.

I'm working so hard at being the person I should be. And I feel that this "person" is someone who appreciates what she has.

What I have is crappy eyesight and a beautiful world in front of me.

You Give Yourself Away

I love U2. I'll admit it.

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Putting off way too many IMPORTANT things. Like, feeding my family with actual groceries and making sure that I actually can wear clean clothes.

Tonight's the night! Getting the act together!

A crash of waves, a break of thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger

Again, with the scrapbooking. Same paragraph as before and everything. Because of the flood at work, there is pretty much no way that anything normal can happen and therefore - nothing for us to do. Today, I made some wonderful little pages that I'm hoping are good enough to display. They are all little random gems that aren't really status quo for samples, but I love them! Maybe today is the day that I will receive some new prints in the mail and I'll just rampage through all my cardstock, ravish it and tear into some deep parts of history.

May I suggest you get the best

Or I'll get this crazy feeling out of my chest. It's my "there is probably something deep in my psyche that needs to be unleashed" chest clench. Or it's a "I have so much pent up energy and I need to go run around somewhere" esophogial spasm. Works like a charm.

I have never been able to explain it, but I've had it ever since I was a teenager. There are just some days where I feel like I can't breathe, but no matter how many puffs of the inhaler are inhaled. I'm sure it's a psychological thing, but I wish it wouldn't insist on visiting me so often.

With a whole new meaning and a brand new sense
Completely unrelated to the one I sent

I am so happy. I am so fresh. There are none that can touch me and none brave enough to try. If I weren't me, I would want to be.

To Somehow Attract Your Attention

Thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind
Let me show you

Something cathartic about this space. It's just something that helps me get it all out and feel light as a feather when I'm done. Amazingly enough, there isn't even that much to purge lately - the job's good, the house is AMAZING, the boyfriend is the best. The only things that I could contend might be giving me restless nights are my crazy, vivid dreams of burning passions and raging idealisms. I'm up, pounding out realizations in the wee hours, only to forget them at dawn.

Strange, strange.

********

There was a flood in my store on Sunday night. Water main burst, 5 inches of standing water, 2 inches of silt. A Holly cleaning crew Monday morning. Awesome. Something like that. At least it's out of the ordinary. Wouldn't it be crazy if the place you worked was perpetually flooded?

You and me, I can see us dying.
Are we?

This scrapbooking thing is getting to impossible-to-reign-in heights. I am compelled to scrapbook at all times of the night and day. Point - there are few pictures left to scrapbook (for I will never do the wedding!) and I am in this frenzy to create and here I am. No pictures. Plenty of frenzy.

Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine

I am a believer in karma, to a certain degree. It doesn't hurt to do good things and to put good things out into the world because those good things can only be returned with good. The bad things? Well, they are returnable, as well. And that is why people find things happening to them that are otherwise unexplainable. Why else would anyone lose their keys in a matter of seconds?

Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to find myself.

I don't know when I became a-feared of the doctor's office, but here I am, once again. Cavities! I could probably point out, on a toothy chart, where it hurts and how deep the pain goes. It's not a mystery thing that hinders my dentistry progress - it's the adult process. I can choose what to do now. And what do I choose? Being stubborn about chewing sweet things only on the left side of my mouth.

Dumb.

******************

Flight of the Conchords: Episode 4 has been downloading on iTunes for 4 hours now. Worth it?

What a hilarious misunderstanding.

The Most Boringest Post in the West

Today was the first day of nursery. According to the rolls, we have three sweet, awesome children in our class; but, for today, it was simply 2 two year old boys. We had fun crashing cars and eating pretend Dairy Queen and runningrunningrunning. We are very blessed to get a great calling that helps us get to church every Sunday!

*****************

Three scrapbook pages done today. I had jotted down a list while at work on Friday about doing some scrapbooking that I had been petrified to do previously; hello, I know this sounds totally silly, but follow me, here. The fear of doing things that are controversial and not foofy-la-la really turns me inside out, as far as scrapbooking goes.

But, it is done. Irrational fears, young love and bringing some blogging into the scrap world.

Oh so very cathartic.

Tristan and Isolde Twice in the Past Two Days

I've got the squiggles.

I wish I had pictures to scrapbook and the choice of any products I wanted to use - and I want it right now!

There isn't much at the moment that wouldn't bring me to a weepy mess (good OR bad!) because heaven help me, I play mind games on myself.

I dreamed last night that I had mono.

Of all of the great things that happened while I was in California, getting my wedding rings cleaned was the best.

When I sit in my living room now, I feel like there should be a cute little book group here, chatting about the latest and greatest novel.

As I've been married, I have found it harder to appreciate that the sun goes down at a late time during the summer.

If I were a queen, I would still wear sandals and hope that my people still loved me.

Why, oh why is my throat burning right now?

An Account of All of the Exciting Adventures I've Been Having in California While Not Being Around Anyone From Utah

While I've been gone, Caleb redecorated our living room. He's so great about thinking about me and how I would like things to look. Now it actually is inviting and homey! Yay Caleb.

***************

There have been plenty of adventures. And plenty of excitement.

But both of those great things will translate only if you have ever been with the Chatfields as a clan before. All of the hilarity and the crazy fun has been around the dinner table, in the car, doing mundane things that typically wouldn't invite the words "loud" and "awesome" to describe them.

So, pretty much, they'll be better to talk about in person. Or, when I'm feeling more prolific.

Not for the Faint of Heart

I don't know how to put this. It has been taking so long to just write these first few sentences, but I can't explain why. So, out with it.

Lately, the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend. Because we have had no contact for the 4 years we've been broken up, I could only derive, from the few reports I'd heard from my family, that he was a bum, living at home and doing drugs. I couldn't understand why I would be thinking about someone who had become that. It didn't make sense because the things I was remembering were the times he was doing church activities, seminary, all the good things that he should be doing. I brushed these off as fanciful reminisces and not much else. Guilt washed over me as I thought that those things meant more than just good memories, more than I was letting myself believe. So, I didn't say much to anyone about it. I wanted to forget. But everything kept coming back up - at work, in idle times, even in the temple recently. This was all too much to take in.

However, at church today, the main topic in all the meetings was listening to the Spirit in whichever way He communicates best with you. I contemplated that and decided that I was doing a great job; the Spirit has been very vocal with me recently and I have been trying to do everything He asks, even if it is hard. There have been many, many blessings because of it, so I thought that I was awesome and ready to be celestialized. Or something.

While driving to choir practice today, Mommy told me a story about my first boyfriend's little sister, who recently shared a story about how her sincere prayer about her brother spurred a poignant feeling from the Holy Ghost that he was close to coming back to church. Mom related to her that she also felt the same way when she prayed for him.

And it hit me- the Spirit has been pushing me to prayer. I had been interpreting those thoughts as post-romantic when I should have been thinking of them as memories of a really good man who was doing the best with what he had.

So, tonight, Heavenly Father is going to hear a prayer regarding my friend Loren. I hope He hears them.

Wrapped Around Your Finger

I've been looking for inspiration lately. Not just for scrapbooking or for blogging, but for life.

And I really think the things that inspire me the most are sometimes the things that bring out the worst in me. Something about listening to The Police encompasses all the feelings I have when I am sure that I don't have to consider anything that anyone else has to say. Reading Ayn Rand makes me believe that yes, I was right in thinking that I can be my best self at the expense of others all those times. When I see the huge blue sky with all the white puffy clouds, it reminds me that in a world that sometimes tries to make me feel small, I can feel important and larger than life. All those traits that I try to stuff in the back of my mind make me ME and sometimes it's hard to remember that.

It makes me laugh to think that the things that make me feel the most like myself are base and self-serving.

***********************

I head home in a couple of days. I won't be bringing my husband, however, though I tried hard to make him come. I'm excited to go, but it will be hard to leave. You know?

Blooger.com

Work was work. The morning came too early and bedtime continues to be too late.

But one thing certainly did make today different.

When I called Caleb after I left work, he told me that we would be visiting one of his high school friends who is in town from Oklahoma. I asked when, he said tonight. I asked where, he said Highland. I asked how late, he said nine.

Here's the first difference. Nine pm is late to me; this hasn't always been the case, as I've been able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, only to fully function the next day. But now that I'm old and married, the sooner we get to sleep, the better! This adds to my suspicions that I am growing a farty and prudish shell around my party-tacular self and I am more than displeased with that.

Second difference - When Caleb is around my friends or our neighbors, he's pretty chill. There may be the occasional Transformers outbursts or loud exclamation at a particular point in the conversation, but he isn't really ever perpetually rambunctious. But, when he is around his friends from his teenage years, he is a whole different Caleb. There are the "remember the times" and the sticking verbal jabs and the general ease that is missing in most other social settings. It was nice to see him in his natural element, catching up with all of his friends that he has been so loyal to for so long.

It makes me wonder what it would be like if he felt that comfortable around the people we hung out with now. I would probably have to compete for attention, which is not my favorite thing in the world. But, it's still a fun dream to have.

Third and last difference - I'm not a stranger person. If I don't know you, I won't really try to talk to you (unless I'm getting paid to - I'm looking at you, Archiver's!). It's just my thing and my style and heaven knows it scares me to death to do anything else. So, when I walked into a room of people I'd never met before (save one), I expected to let Caleb do all the talking and that was that. Caleb was even grilled on the way over, as to what the approach of conversation would be and how I could best add to it in a way that wasn't out of place. The point is that when I came in, I got so many hugs and so many kind words and questions that needed long, drawn out answers. Essentially, I felt like I'd known these people for years, just like Caleb.

It was a fun night all around. But, I'm still SO not a stranger person.

If I Did Something Really Big

I have ice cream leftovers on my left thumb. Also, I have them on the outside corners of my mouth, the back of my right elbow and the comforter on my bed.

I am not so typically messy.

Something must be different.

*****************************

I knew yesterday was going to be a terrible day from the moment I woke up.

As I typically work beginning in the morning and stretching into the afternoon, my groove was terribly thrown off by having to arrive at work at 2 pm. That's the afternoon. I had the whole morning to spend however I chose; the previous days being super productive, I decided that I would laze about and enjoy being young and alive. By mid-morning, however, I was bored to tears, trying not to do things I shouldn't and resolved to stick by my lackadaisical whimsy.

Work was sticky and hot, slow and confusing. A crushing blow was offered at the end; if that blow is reality, I am going to have a nuclear meltdown. But then, work was over.

The plan for the evening mutated, after it was realized that the green monster reared its ugly head.

I hate being the only one who sees things, sometimes.

***********************

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I performed some grandiose magic. I can't be sure whether or not I would decide to do something good; supposedly, it comes with being a girl that I could definitively decide to destroy those I hate without a second thought. If I only had one crack, I might work it upon myself, fix the demons that plague me almost endlessly. If the efforts were limitless, I might decide to be philanthropic after days and months of personal advances.

But, without any powers, I probably am severely parallel to every Joe and Jill. To break out of that mold, I would have to exercise either complete irrationality or a bold conviction. You see, I want to punctuate every sentence of my life with an exclamation point. And the things that I feel need the most oomph come at the most inconvenient and perplexing times. At every turn, I want to 90 degree angle - not to go directly behind myself, but to sharply turn in a new direction. And, as always with my secrets, that is ridiculously impossible.

I want to live what I play on TV.

He Could Kill All the Other Fish

Tonight, a great guy died.

The Warrior, my red beta fish, decided to rest at the bottom of his bowl, looking awesome against the clear and blue rocks. He has been sick for awhile and we knew that he was going to go soon. But, it still makes me sad that my totally awesome fish and friend is gone.

Caleb said that we could get a new fish, but I don't know who could replace such a cool fish with such an awesome name.

One Extremely Large Circle

There has not been one second today where I haven't been productive or amazingly intent on getting things done.

With that being said, I have finished a lot of projects. However, I feel like I've taken one step forward and two huge steps back. This occurrence comes from doing three separate dishes sessions today, only to have more dishes still piled high. So many loads of laundry have been finished, only to STILL have two more to do. I went along with my weekly menu and made some yummy stroganoff in the crockpot, only to have the smell of it permeate every inch of the house. All of the awesome things that I've done have just left me kind of bare.

If this is what it feels like to be productive, then screw it! Pass the bon bons and come hang in the jacuzzi.

Aren't You Just Sill?

There is a lot going on lately, which is not really a bad thing. I've been trying to keep up with all the birthdays in Caleb's and my families, working a ton (which actually is awesome) and trying to find more meaning - more grit - more all-around perfection in life. And it's getting there and that's awesome. Just really...wow. I'm amazed at how when life gets its roughest, something always pulls you out of it (sometimes by the pigtails!) and it all becomes a dream again. So, I'm really excited and happy with that.

I have never been more happy than I am when I'm with Caleb. That's all the cheesiness that I'm going to say about our (AWESOME!) first anniversary, but it's very true.

Well, I'm also going to say that I got Caleb a new Relic watch because he's needed a new one ever since we've been married. I love this watch maybe more than he does, but I don't care! It's great! I took a picture of it and its cute carrying case to illustrate how kick-butt it is.

Caleb got me the first season of "Project Runway" on DVD and I cannot stop watching it. I have seen the second and third seasons and I've liked them, but I have always heard spectacular things about the first. When Caleb took me to FYE to get my special anniversary surprise, I knew right at once that he knew he was signing up to watch Project Runway for 12 hours today! Yay! Even though I'm not nearly as fashionable as I could be, the sheer fact that it's a Bravo reality show makes it watchable and enjoyable for me. Geektron central, holla!

This coming week could bring ANYTHING. I'm trying to be prepared.

The Art of Correspondence Has Been Pnwed

I am lucky enough to live in an age where it is virtually impossible to lose track of past friends and neighbors. The internet does not make it hard to just look someone up and find their phone number, current city, facebook profile, myspace profile, instant messenger address and that embarrassing photo of their eighth grade science fair win. In fact, it makes it pretty easy. And I am also lucky enough to have the type of personality that figures not seeing someone daily makes it a foregone conclusion that we're not friends anymore. Actually, that is a terrible trait and I pretty much rail on myself every day because of it, but that takes me back to my original point.

The internet rocks.

Recently, I've been reading some blogs of friends I haven't seen in at least a year; most are still single, most have graduated college, most are traveling the world and intensely enjoying life. Seeing all of these great people doing great things (with photos to illustrate their adventures more fully) makes me really, really happy. It also makes me laugh a little because seeing my friends adjusting to their New Grown-up Lives reminds me of when we all were adjusting to our New Teenage lives; luckily, the vast majority are being super successful at the transition.

That being said, I just wonder what it would be like to gather everyone together in a room, all of the old clan, and see if we would all still like each other. I hear there are times and places where things like this happen, but high school reunions have been far too overdramatized on television and movies to make me think that going to one would EVER be a good idea. I am talking about everyone meeting at a Jamba Juice or Starbucks and just shooting the breeze for a couple of hours. I want my former schoolmates, old boyfriends, people who I used to go to church with, ex-coworkers - I want the works at my massive LetsSeeIfWeStillThinkEachOtherIsCool shindig. Again, because of my glowing personality, there's no way that I'll ever make this come true. But the thought of it makes me shimmer inside. The thought of my (probably now brain dead from drugs) first boyfriend hanging out with my (pretentious and "learn-ED") former employer, both with a chai tea in hand makes me giggle.

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I've been feeling really fortunate lately. There isn't much in the way of embellishment that I want to add onto that idea, but let it be known that I'm feeling the wind blowing in my direction. I really REALLY like it.

I Don't Sweat

After days and days of triple digit weather, yesterday brought 80 degrees and drops of rain to soothe our absolutely burning apartment. It was so awesome to have the sound of the air conditioner gone. I mean it. I love when the summer turns into thunderstorm central.

Since I last wrote, I've just been working and working. We got some new girls at work, who I love and pretty much everyone is back from their big summer vacations. I'm still thinking about finding another job and hoping that something will just turn up for me soon, but I don't want to risk not making enough baby money, whenever that baby should decide to appear.

Movies I've seen recently: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Ratatouille, Transformers, Grey Matters. Songs I love recently: Austin, Did You Get My Message, Do You, Lipgloss. TV Shows I obsess over: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, Do You Know The Lyrics, Last Comic Standing. Talents I wish I had: cooking sweet dinners every night, being philanthropic, sheer will power. Things I hate recently: jealousy, people thinking I'm wrong, sweat, clutter. People I'm in awe of: Rachel Ray, Alisha, Caleb.

I'm really happy with how things are going and I just want them to go even better.