I've got the squiggles.
I wish I had pictures to scrapbook and the choice of any products I wanted to use - and I want it right now!
There isn't much at the moment that wouldn't bring me to a weepy mess (good OR bad!) because heaven help me, I play mind games on myself.
I dreamed last night that I had mono.
Of all of the great things that happened while I was in California, getting my wedding rings cleaned was the best.
When I sit in my living room now, I feel like there should be a cute little book group here, chatting about the latest and greatest novel.
As I've been married, I have found it harder to appreciate that the sun goes down at a late time during the summer.
If I were a queen, I would still wear sandals and hope that my people still loved me.
Why, oh why is my throat burning right now?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
An Account of All of the Exciting Adventures I've Been Having in California While Not Being Around Anyone From Utah
While I've been gone, Caleb redecorated our living room. He's so great about thinking about me and how I would like things to look. Now it actually is inviting and homey! Yay Caleb.
***************
There have been plenty of adventures. And plenty of excitement.
But both of those great things will translate only if you have ever been with the Chatfields as a clan before. All of the hilarity and the crazy fun has been around the dinner table, in the car, doing mundane things that typically wouldn't invite the words "loud" and "awesome" to describe them.
So, pretty much, they'll be better to talk about in person. Or, when I'm feeling more prolific.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Not for the Faint of Heart
I don't know how to put this. It has been taking so long to just write these first few sentences, but I can't explain why. So, out with it.
Lately, the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend. Because we have had no contact for the 4 years we've been broken up, I could only derive, from the few reports I'd heard from my family, that he was a bum, living at home and doing drugs. I couldn't understand why I would be thinking about someone who had become that. It didn't make sense because the things I was remembering were the times he was doing church activities, seminary, all the good things that he should be doing. I brushed these off as fanciful reminisces and not much else. Guilt washed over me as I thought that those things meant more than just good memories, more than I was letting myself believe. So, I didn't say much to anyone about it. I wanted to forget. But everything kept coming back up - at work, in idle times, even in the temple recently. This was all too much to take in.
However, at church today, the main topic in all the meetings was listening to the Spirit in whichever way He communicates best with you. I contemplated that and decided that I was doing a great job; the Spirit has been very vocal with me recently and I have been trying to do everything He asks, even if it is hard. There have been many, many blessings because of it, so I thought that I was awesome and ready to be celestialized. Or something.
While driving to choir practice today, Mommy told me a story about my first boyfriend's little sister, who recently shared a story about how her sincere prayer about her brother spurred a poignant feeling from the Holy Ghost that he was close to coming back to church. Mom related to her that she also felt the same way when she prayed for him.
And it hit me- the Spirit has been pushing me to prayer. I had been interpreting those thoughts as post-romantic when I should have been thinking of them as memories of a really good man who was doing the best with what he had.
So, tonight, Heavenly Father is going to hear a prayer regarding my friend Loren. I hope He hears them.
Lately, the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend. Because we have had no contact for the 4 years we've been broken up, I could only derive, from the few reports I'd heard from my family, that he was a bum, living at home and doing drugs. I couldn't understand why I would be thinking about someone who had become that. It didn't make sense because the things I was remembering were the times he was doing church activities, seminary, all the good things that he should be doing. I brushed these off as fanciful reminisces and not much else. Guilt washed over me as I thought that those things meant more than just good memories, more than I was letting myself believe. So, I didn't say much to anyone about it. I wanted to forget. But everything kept coming back up - at work, in idle times, even in the temple recently. This was all too much to take in.
However, at church today, the main topic in all the meetings was listening to the Spirit in whichever way He communicates best with you. I contemplated that and decided that I was doing a great job; the Spirit has been very vocal with me recently and I have been trying to do everything He asks, even if it is hard. There have been many, many blessings because of it, so I thought that I was awesome and ready to be celestialized. Or something.
While driving to choir practice today, Mommy told me a story about my first boyfriend's little sister, who recently shared a story about how her sincere prayer about her brother spurred a poignant feeling from the Holy Ghost that he was close to coming back to church. Mom related to her that she also felt the same way when she prayed for him.
And it hit me- the Spirit has been pushing me to prayer. I had been interpreting those thoughts as post-romantic when I should have been thinking of them as memories of a really good man who was doing the best with what he had.
So, tonight, Heavenly Father is going to hear a prayer regarding my friend Loren. I hope He hears them.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Wrapped Around Your Finger
I've been looking for inspiration lately. Not just for scrapbooking or for blogging, but for life.
And I really think the things that inspire me the most are sometimes the things that bring out the worst in me. Something about listening to The Police encompasses all the feelings I have when I am sure that I don't have to consider anything that anyone else has to say. Reading Ayn Rand makes me believe that yes, I was right in thinking that I can be my best self at the expense of others all those times. When I see the huge blue sky with all the white puffy clouds, it reminds me that in a world that sometimes tries to make me feel small, I can feel important and larger than life. All those traits that I try to stuff in the back of my mind make me ME and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It makes me laugh to think that the things that make me feel the most like myself are base and self-serving.
***********************
I head home in a couple of days. I won't be bringing my husband, however, though I tried hard to make him come. I'm excited to go, but it will be hard to leave. You know?
And I really think the things that inspire me the most are sometimes the things that bring out the worst in me. Something about listening to The Police encompasses all the feelings I have when I am sure that I don't have to consider anything that anyone else has to say. Reading Ayn Rand makes me believe that yes, I was right in thinking that I can be my best self at the expense of others all those times. When I see the huge blue sky with all the white puffy clouds, it reminds me that in a world that sometimes tries to make me feel small, I can feel important and larger than life. All those traits that I try to stuff in the back of my mind make me ME and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It makes me laugh to think that the things that make me feel the most like myself are base and self-serving.
***********************
I head home in a couple of days. I won't be bringing my husband, however, though I tried hard to make him come. I'm excited to go, but it will be hard to leave. You know?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Blooger.com
Work was work. The morning came too early and bedtime continues to be too late.
But one thing certainly did make today different.
When I called Caleb after I left work, he told me that we would be visiting one of his high school friends who is in town from Oklahoma. I asked when, he said tonight. I asked where, he said Highland. I asked how late, he said nine.
Here's the first difference. Nine pm is late to me; this hasn't always been the case, as I've been able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, only to fully function the next day. But now that I'm old and married, the sooner we get to sleep, the better! This adds to my suspicions that I am growing a farty and prudish shell around my party-tacular self and I am more than displeased with that.
Second difference - When Caleb is around my friends or our neighbors, he's pretty chill. There may be the occasional Transformers outbursts or loud exclamation at a particular point in the conversation, but he isn't really ever perpetually rambunctious. But, when he is around his friends from his teenage years, he is a whole different Caleb. There are the "remember the times" and the sticking verbal jabs and the general ease that is missing in most other social settings. It was nice to see him in his natural element, catching up with all of his friends that he has been so loyal to for so long.
It makes me wonder what it would be like if he felt that comfortable around the people we hung out with now. I would probably have to compete for attention, which is not my favorite thing in the world. But, it's still a fun dream to have.
Third and last difference - I'm not a stranger person. If I don't know you, I won't really try to talk to you (unless I'm getting paid to - I'm looking at you, Archiver's!). It's just my thing and my style and heaven knows it scares me to death to do anything else. So, when I walked into a room of people I'd never met before (save one), I expected to let Caleb do all the talking and that was that. Caleb was even grilled on the way over, as to what the approach of conversation would be and how I could best add to it in a way that wasn't out of place. The point is that when I came in, I got so many hugs and so many kind words and questions that needed long, drawn out answers. Essentially, I felt like I'd known these people for years, just like Caleb.
It was a fun night all around. But, I'm still SO not a stranger person.
But one thing certainly did make today different.
When I called Caleb after I left work, he told me that we would be visiting one of his high school friends who is in town from Oklahoma. I asked when, he said tonight. I asked where, he said Highland. I asked how late, he said nine.
Here's the first difference. Nine pm is late to me; this hasn't always been the case, as I've been able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, only to fully function the next day. But now that I'm old and married, the sooner we get to sleep, the better! This adds to my suspicions that I am growing a farty and prudish shell around my party-tacular self and I am more than displeased with that.
Second difference - When Caleb is around my friends or our neighbors, he's pretty chill. There may be the occasional Transformers outbursts or loud exclamation at a particular point in the conversation, but he isn't really ever perpetually rambunctious. But, when he is around his friends from his teenage years, he is a whole different Caleb. There are the "remember the times" and the sticking verbal jabs and the general ease that is missing in most other social settings. It was nice to see him in his natural element, catching up with all of his friends that he has been so loyal to for so long.
It makes me wonder what it would be like if he felt that comfortable around the people we hung out with now. I would probably have to compete for attention, which is not my favorite thing in the world. But, it's still a fun dream to have.
Third and last difference - I'm not a stranger person. If I don't know you, I won't really try to talk to you (unless I'm getting paid to - I'm looking at you, Archiver's!). It's just my thing and my style and heaven knows it scares me to death to do anything else. So, when I walked into a room of people I'd never met before (save one), I expected to let Caleb do all the talking and that was that. Caleb was even grilled on the way over, as to what the approach of conversation would be and how I could best add to it in a way that wasn't out of place. The point is that when I came in, I got so many hugs and so many kind words and questions that needed long, drawn out answers. Essentially, I felt like I'd known these people for years, just like Caleb.
It was a fun night all around. But, I'm still SO not a stranger person.
Friday, August 10, 2007
If I Did Something Really Big
I have ice cream leftovers on my left thumb. Also, I have them on the outside corners of my mouth, the back of my right elbow and the comforter on my bed.
I am not so typically messy.
Something must be different.
*****************************
I knew yesterday was going to be a terrible day from the moment I woke up.
As I typically work beginning in the morning and stretching into the afternoon, my groove was terribly thrown off by having to arrive at work at 2 pm. That's the afternoon. I had the whole morning to spend however I chose; the previous days being super productive, I decided that I would laze about and enjoy being young and alive. By mid-morning, however, I was bored to tears, trying not to do things I shouldn't and resolved to stick by my lackadaisical whimsy.
Work was sticky and hot, slow and confusing. A crushing blow was offered at the end; if that blow is reality, I am going to have a nuclear meltdown. But then, work was over.
The plan for the evening mutated, after it was realized that the green monster reared its ugly head.
I hate being the only one who sees things, sometimes.
***********************
I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I performed some grandiose magic. I can't be sure whether or not I would decide to do something good; supposedly, it comes with being a girl that I could definitively decide to destroy those I hate without a second thought. If I only had one crack, I might work it upon myself, fix the demons that plague me almost endlessly. If the efforts were limitless, I might decide to be philanthropic after days and months of personal advances.
But, without any powers, I probably am severely parallel to every Joe and Jill. To break out of that mold, I would have to exercise either complete irrationality or a bold conviction. You see, I want to punctuate every sentence of my life with an exclamation point. And the things that I feel need the most oomph come at the most inconvenient and perplexing times. At every turn, I want to 90 degree angle - not to go directly behind myself, but to sharply turn in a new direction. And, as always with my secrets, that is ridiculously impossible.
I want to live what I play on TV.
I am not so typically messy.
Something must be different.
*****************************
I knew yesterday was going to be a terrible day from the moment I woke up.
As I typically work beginning in the morning and stretching into the afternoon, my groove was terribly thrown off by having to arrive at work at 2 pm. That's the afternoon. I had the whole morning to spend however I chose; the previous days being super productive, I decided that I would laze about and enjoy being young and alive. By mid-morning, however, I was bored to tears, trying not to do things I shouldn't and resolved to stick by my lackadaisical whimsy.
Work was sticky and hot, slow and confusing. A crushing blow was offered at the end; if that blow is reality, I am going to have a nuclear meltdown. But then, work was over.
The plan for the evening mutated, after it was realized that the green monster reared its ugly head.
I hate being the only one who sees things, sometimes.
***********************
I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I performed some grandiose magic. I can't be sure whether or not I would decide to do something good; supposedly, it comes with being a girl that I could definitively decide to destroy those I hate without a second thought. If I only had one crack, I might work it upon myself, fix the demons that plague me almost endlessly. If the efforts were limitless, I might decide to be philanthropic after days and months of personal advances.
But, without any powers, I probably am severely parallel to every Joe and Jill. To break out of that mold, I would have to exercise either complete irrationality or a bold conviction. You see, I want to punctuate every sentence of my life with an exclamation point. And the things that I feel need the most oomph come at the most inconvenient and perplexing times. At every turn, I want to 90 degree angle - not to go directly behind myself, but to sharply turn in a new direction. And, as always with my secrets, that is ridiculously impossible.
I want to live what I play on TV.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
He Could Kill All the Other Fish
Tonight, a great guy died.
The Warrior, my red beta fish, decided to rest at the bottom of his bowl, looking awesome against the clear and blue rocks. He has been sick for awhile and we knew that he was going to go soon. But, it still makes me sad that my totally awesome fish and friend is gone.
Caleb said that we could get a new fish, but I don't know who could replace such a cool fish with such an awesome name.
The Warrior, my red beta fish, decided to rest at the bottom of his bowl, looking awesome against the clear and blue rocks. He has been sick for awhile and we knew that he was going to go soon. But, it still makes me sad that my totally awesome fish and friend is gone.
Caleb said that we could get a new fish, but I don't know who could replace such a cool fish with such an awesome name.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
One Extremely Large Circle
There has not been one second today where I haven't been productive or amazingly intent on getting things done.
With that being said, I have finished a lot of projects. However, I feel like I've taken one step forward and two huge steps back. This occurrence comes from doing three separate dishes sessions today, only to have more dishes still piled high. So many loads of laundry have been finished, only to STILL have two more to do. I went along with my weekly menu and made some yummy stroganoff in the crockpot, only to have the smell of it permeate every inch of the house. All of the awesome things that I've done have just left me kind of bare.
If this is what it feels like to be productive, then screw it! Pass the bon bons and come hang in the jacuzzi.
With that being said, I have finished a lot of projects. However, I feel like I've taken one step forward and two huge steps back. This occurrence comes from doing three separate dishes sessions today, only to have more dishes still piled high. So many loads of laundry have been finished, only to STILL have two more to do. I went along with my weekly menu and made some yummy stroganoff in the crockpot, only to have the smell of it permeate every inch of the house. All of the awesome things that I've done have just left me kind of bare.
If this is what it feels like to be productive, then screw it! Pass the bon bons and come hang in the jacuzzi.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Aren't You Just Sill?
There is a lot going on lately, which is not really a bad thing. I've been trying to keep up with all the birthdays in Caleb's and my families, working a ton (which actually is awesome) and trying to find more meaning - more grit - more all-around perfection in life. And it's getting there and that's awesome. Just really...wow. I'm amazed at how when life gets its roughest, something always pulls you out of it (sometimes by the pigtails!) and it all becomes a dream again. So, I'm really excited and happy with that.I have never been more happy than I am when I'm with Caleb. That's all the cheesiness that I'm going to say about our (AWESOME!) first anniversary, but it's very true.
Well, I'm also going to say that I got Caleb a new Relic watch b
ecause he's needed a new one ever since we've been married. I love this watch maybe more than he does, but I don't care! It's great! I took a picture of it and its cute carrying case to illustrate how kick-butt it is.Caleb got me the first season of "Project Runway" on DVD and I cannot stop watching it. I have seen the second and third seasons and I've liked them, but I have always heard spectacular things about the first. When Caleb took me to FYE to get my special anniversary surprise, I knew right at once that he knew he was signing up to watch Project Runway for 12 hours today! Yay! Even though I'm not nearly as fashionable as I could be, the sheer fact that it's a Bravo reality show makes it watchable and enjoyable for me. Geektron central, holla!
This coming week could bring ANYTHING. I'm trying to be prepared.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
