Not for the Faint of Heart

I don't know how to put this. It has been taking so long to just write these first few sentences, but I can't explain why. So, out with it.

Lately, the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend. Because we have had no contact for the 4 years we've been broken up, I could only derive, from the few reports I'd heard from my family, that he was a bum, living at home and doing drugs. I couldn't understand why I would be thinking about someone who had become that. It didn't make sense because the things I was remembering were the times he was doing church activities, seminary, all the good things that he should be doing. I brushed these off as fanciful reminisces and not much else. Guilt washed over me as I thought that those things meant more than just good memories, more than I was letting myself believe. So, I didn't say much to anyone about it. I wanted to forget. But everything kept coming back up - at work, in idle times, even in the temple recently. This was all too much to take in.

However, at church today, the main topic in all the meetings was listening to the Spirit in whichever way He communicates best with you. I contemplated that and decided that I was doing a great job; the Spirit has been very vocal with me recently and I have been trying to do everything He asks, even if it is hard. There have been many, many blessings because of it, so I thought that I was awesome and ready to be celestialized. Or something.

While driving to choir practice today, Mommy told me a story about my first boyfriend's little sister, who recently shared a story about how her sincere prayer about her brother spurred a poignant feeling from the Holy Ghost that he was close to coming back to church. Mom related to her that she also felt the same way when she prayed for him.

And it hit me- the Spirit has been pushing me to prayer. I had been interpreting those thoughts as post-romantic when I should have been thinking of them as memories of a really good man who was doing the best with what he had.

So, tonight, Heavenly Father is going to hear a prayer regarding my friend Loren. I hope He hears them.