Slight of Hand and Twist of Fate

I always feel like this is an inappropriate space for when I'm feeling down. Now that my readers are family and friends, I have an obligation to wear this happy-go-lucky all the time. And it doesn't always pan out that way for me.

So, be warned, those who come here for the happy.

***

I have been having a terrible time keeping it together recently. The slightest mistake throws me into fits of tears, the smallest hint of stress leads me to sheer panic. I am constantly crying. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do productive things, only to fail miserably at them. All of this wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if there was something to look forward to on the horizon.

The things that are usually a pick-me-up just aren't.

My birthday's this month? It's on a Sunday, it's in the middle of two most-assuredly 40 hour weeks at work, and it's turning me to a boring 23. I'm not really even wanting a party, just so I can avoid having to plan or commit to anything.

School gets out in April? By then, I'll be so crazy busy at work that I won't be able to function; the summer looks hectic and bleak. And if something happens that I think will happen, I'll be even more depressed than ever.

Being social? I don't have time. I don't have energy. I don't want to weigh anyone down.

Megan's getting married? I feel a terrible disconnect, though I'm trying to stay involved. She's busy, I'm busy. And she's going to get married, with or without me.

The weather's nice? Well, it snowed this morning.

***

I'm happy to be alive. But I'm not too happy to live, you know?

So, I'm lost. And I wish that it didn't affect anyone but me, but it unfortunately does.