The Big Girl Bed

Bigger and Better

2008-04-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

So, I've moved over to

f l a n n y c l a n . b l o g s p o t . c o m

(without all the spaces, which were added to thwart evil-doers).

Check it out!

An Unfortunate Series of Events

2008-04-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

The time has come.

Most recently, many of my posts have been getting spam comments that lead to virus-causing websites.

But I realize that this blog is the target. Not me.

So, I'm moving on from The Big Girl Bed.

I don't know to what, yet, but it will be broadcast when it happens.

Except to those stupid spammers.

I Wanna Be With You

2008-03-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, pals.

This is late notice. And it's after much nagging.

Birthday List

This cool t-shirt in XL
A great cookbook like this one
The only soundtrack that I could listen to over and over
An adorable bag like this
Plastic money for this hip place
Everyone in my life to have an amazing experience.

Yep. I have been wracking my brain for weeks now just to come up with that list. Shows you how content I am with my possessions and my place in life.

That is a Fact, Jack

2008-03-17T15:29:00.001-07:00

I'm just coming to grips with my emotional side, I think.

That occurred to me as my pout came out after my French teacher forgot to add me to the class email she sent over the weekend.

Which isn't really that big of a deal.

So, it is all good. Change, baby, change!

****

As for the birthday, some have requested a list of things that might be obtained in order to present me with a gift close to the 30th of March.

And I'm having a difficult time thinking of something.

Here's why.

All of the things I want this year are intangible. So, here's a list of them, just for example's sake.

A baby
More episodes of The Office
An increase in social gatherings during the week
The chill to leave Utah
For my teachers to be ultra-generous
Everyone in my life to have some mind-blowingly happy experience.

Does that help? :)

I'll come up with some more doable things. I promise.

***

And as today is St. Patrick's Day, Caleb and I will be celebrating our Irish heritage with green lemonade, green pasta roni, green mashed potatoes and green peas. Represent, sucka!
Other than that,

Slight of Hand and Twist of Fate

2008-03-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

I always feel like this is an inappropriate space for when I'm feeling down. Now that my readers are family and friends, I have an obligation to wear this happy-go-lucky all the time. And it doesn't always pan out that way for me.

So, be warned, those who come here for the happy.

***

I have been having a terrible time keeping it together recently. The slightest mistake throws me into fits of tears, the smallest hint of stress leads me to sheer panic. I am constantly crying. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do productive things, only to fail miserably at them. All of this wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if there was something to look forward to on the horizon.

The things that are usually a pick-me-up just aren't.

My birthday's this month? It's on a Sunday, it's in the middle of two most-assuredly 40 hour weeks at work, and it's turning me to a boring 23. I'm not really even wanting a party, just so I can avoid having to plan or commit to anything.

School gets out in April? By then, I'll be so crazy busy at work that I won't be able to function; the summer looks hectic and bleak. And if something happens that I think will happen, I'll be even more depressed than ever.

Being social? I don't have time. I don't have energy. I don't want to weigh anyone down.

Megan's getting married? I feel a terrible disconnect, though I'm trying to stay involved. She's busy, I'm busy. And she's going to get married, with or without me.

The weather's nice? Well, it snowed this morning.

***

I'm happy to be alive. But I'm not too happy to live, you know?

So, I'm lost. And I wish that it didn't affect anyone but me, but it unfortunately does.

Save the Drama For Your Mama

2008-03-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

I love my mommy. I was telling a friend recently that I love to read her blogs, because she appreciate things and puts them into words on a level that is so refreshing and fun. I also love to read the journals of her youth, because they are the only things more embarrassing than the journals of my youth! I hope someday that she writes a book or her memoirs or something, so we can have her thoughts for generations to come!

****

Let me apologize, first off. I have been trying to access blogger.com for two weeks now, but it would never load for me. I've had so many great adventures to share, but maybe this was a lesson in patience. Who knows?

****

GuessWhatGuessWhatGuessWHAAAAAT?! My best girl Megan is getting married!!!

She is marrying my best boy Josh!

They are getting married on June 21st! They are just the cutest and after dating for a year, they definitely know how much fun they can have for the rest of eternity!

I cannot express how happy and excited I am for these two, but more specifically for my best friend. I have always wanted her to have everything good in life, and now she is on her way to achieving it (after already graduating college and getting her dream job, natch). I just love her. And I am so blessed to have a husband who loves my friends and supports me in helping them whenever I can. YAY I'M SO EXCITED!

****

Other exciting (but not as exciting as the previous) news:

My new job is going swimmingly. We are moving offices tomorrow, which means we will be on a main floor instead of a basement and I will get to share an office with my favorite Alisha instead of being lonely. :)
School is rolling along.
I am loving my nursery job; we are now the sole leaders of 7 kids, which means a lot of multi-tasking and a lot more fun.
American Idol has started and I'm digging it.
Tim has been on his mission for over 6 months.
Caleb is a dream.

****

Also, as a point of reference, I got my hair dyed this weekend by the wonderful Roxikins. We went bold and it turned out like this:

I did it because Caleb got new stuff for his computer. And now I have new stuff for every day.

Caleb can't stop telling me that he likes it. And I can't stop telling people that it's darker than I originally intended.

Let's Have One More

2008-02-17T23:32:00.002-08:00

Yoga is a revelation.

I have always been weary of it, thinking it was kind of a lame form of exercise. I thought the people who practiced it were a little snobby and thought they were too cool.

But, then, on a whim, I decided I was ready to try it. Shelley graciously gave me a mat and let me borrow her yoga DVD this evening. I had taken a long nap this afternoon, so I decided to give it a whirl at 11 pm.

And I loved it. It was so relaxing and it stretched out all of my kinks. I don't know how much it will build my athleticism, at first, but the mental aid with make a tremendous difference.

My body is feeling rubbery and warm. I totally dig it.

You're My Fella, My Guy

2008-02-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's me. Your friendly neighborhood Holly.

I can honestly say that I have never been more excited for a Valentine's Day than I am for this one. There are no sweepingly romantic plans (save "Step Up 2: The Streets") and I've already given my husband his big gift (a new wedding band!). I cannot put my finger on what is keeping me awake like a child before Christmas, but it's here. It's in me.

Today, in my productive day, I've given myself a lot of room to think. Sometimes, I crowd out my thoughts with peppy music or inconsequential business. Today, however, was one of those days that I felt I could trust myself. I'm so pleased with the results.

The lights are all off in the house right now, my husband snoring through cinder block walls. This is the stuff of fairy tales, people. It's where happy moments are to be found.

Let Me Start All Over Again

2008-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of folding the whites. I stopped right as I finished the socks, so I could write this blog post. Right now. I am a slave to my whims.

This last week has been tough. I lost interest in school, work, friends, and life. Like, all I wanted to do was nothing and all I wanted to see was no one. Actually, it's been more than a week. But, the point is that after being confronted with some reality, I decided to re-evaluate.

Therefore, I have made list after list that has really refined where I want to be and where I want to go, rather than just seeing what happens. They go from "What do I want out of life?" to "How can I fit what I want into my day?" And you know I'd share them here, but they are just like me - bold and potentially offensive.

But, those lists have made me reconnect with life. And I feel really cool about that. I'm creeping along at building up, slowly making each day separate and worthwhile.

I can't do the positive when I'm holding on to the negative. Therefore, I'm going to start striking that from my record, too. I wish I could do that here.

And don't flatter yourself. I'm not talking about you.

Going, Going, Gone

2008-02-11T13:34:00.001-08:00

Yep. Haircut.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2008-02-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that any time my above or below neighbors turn on their bathroom fan, we can hear it echoing in our bathroom? I wish I knew who decided to shower in the middle of the night; I would go to their apartment, bra-less and bleary-eyed, and burst inside to humiliate them in their naked state. It sounds like a grainy, whining motor that indeterminately nags at me whenever it's on. And, to show how respect is really won, I have stopped leaving my fan on for longer than needs be. But, apparently the neighbors haven't gotten the message.

I've been thinking a lot about how I have been told that I go from one extreme to another. I believe that it would be more accurately put that I change my mind a lot, but with determination. I'm not much of a wishy-washy flip flop; if something is going to be believed, it may as well be full throttle. But, there are a lot of things to be believed, about myself and the world around me. So, with all the new information coming in every second, my former thought gives way to new ideas and new beliefs. And there lies the mysticism of my black and white lifestyle-I am always collecting the latest. And I want to conform to the latest, in my own way. I love the old parts, but I'm fascinated by the newest updates, especially by the ones that swing my way. All in all, though, I'm still the same me, no matter what I believe at any given moment.

Tonight, I said that I wanted to sleep the day away so it'd be tomorrow. And then, later, I said I wanted to stay up all night. How do people deal with those kinds of shenanigans from me? I'm exhausted, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I hope Caleb can sleep, though. It would make my life easier to know that I'm not causing him to have a restless night.

I've also been thinking about what it would be like to follow every whim one ever had. First off, that would be terribly draining. Secondly, it would be enthralling to see where your mind would take you. And lastly, it would be completely freeing. One can become a slave to anything, except oneself. When you're following all of your own orders, I wonder if it would lead to heaven or to hell.

Late night thoughts. Excuse me for them.

Forget about all of this. I hope you didn't even make it this far.

This is a Test

2008-02-06T19:53:00.001-08:00

10 years ago: I was in 8th grade at Cope, rocking the Vans shoes, being in love with about 8 different guys, and obsessed with everything Disneyland.

5 things that are on my to-do list tomorrow:
1) Actually get up early so I can do work.
2) Read the chapter in my theories book about Feminism
3) Edit
4) Do something unexpected
5) Wait for an unwelcome visitor

5 Snacks I enjoy:
1) Oreos
2) Chicken-flavored ramen
3) Movie popcorn
4) The new Arby's chocolate turnover - it's like pain au chocolat!
5) Orange juice

What I would do if I were suddenly made a billionaire:
I'd pay off the debt of everyone I love. I would follow that by doing things that would have created problems for me before I attained my billionaire status, all of them crazy and highly contemptible.

3 of my bad habits:
1) I'm a face-toucher
2) I don't take criticism. At all.
3) I am apathetic sometimes, followed by emotionally-charged mania

5 places I have lived:
1) Redlands, CA
2) Provo, UT
3) Elk Point, SD

5 jobs that I have had:
1) Cleaning the Bishops' house
2) Jose's
3) The Malt Shoppe
4) Instructor at Archiver's
5) Editorial Assistant at Northridge Media

5 Things people don't know about me:
1) I only know how to doodle one thing (a little grass hut on the beach).
2) Sometimes, I wish I didn't know English at all and only spoke French.
3) I dream of becoming a matchmaker.
4) I am petrified to play volleyball, thanks to jamming my thumbs so many times in high school.
5) I am making a conscious effort to not let my days blend into each other, but it's not working.

Everyone I know has been tagged, so enjoy the above information without dread of being chosen next!

Je ne suis qu'une fille

2008-02-01T20:55:00.001-08:00

Bonsoir, tout le monde.

Ici, je vais ecriver une poste petite.

J'ai un A dans ma classe de francais.

Aussi, j'ai un livre nouveau qui s'apelle "Twilight."

J'espere qu'il est interessant pour moi.

Je vais le lire ce soir.

100

2008-01-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

President Hinckley died today. He has been the president of our church and prophet of the world for most of my remembered life. And now he is with his sweet wife; I hope someday to know such a happy reunion.

This is my 100th post. I have been saving it for something very special.

This is quite special, indeed.

Don't Care How

2008-01-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, people say not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Though I know the origins of this old cliche, I sometimes find it hard to follow its kooky advice.

There are so many great and quality things that I've recently been blessed with. I just scored the best job ever and school is going well; these two things particularly have been bona fide miracles, as their timings have been testaments to me that I don't always know what's best for me. I've found that my life is following this lilting tune that gives me the high notes at the perfect time and the flowing chorus when I need a little break. I finally saw all of High School Musical 2 and the entire trilogy of the "Bourne" series. Even the frigid Utah temperatures aren't really bringing the old girl down.

And is my wont, I am still wanting more.

As I alluded to in my previous post, we finally got the maternity insurance that I've been waiting for. I have had the knowledge of how babies are made, but I didn't realize that when I got into the actual game that it'd be a crap shoot. We are literally in the Flanagan Casino and I am daily showing my whole hand as I push all my chips into the center of the table. And because there isn't a light that goes on when conception happens, I am coming back to the neon slots every morning with the hopes that today will be the day.

I just keep thinking that I'll be stalwart.

For those who have seen the Holly Throughout The Ages show, it shouldn't be a surprise when I say that the real story is that I am impatient. My mind is locked in to the sound of buzzing thoughts that are barely audible and I expect the world to stop while I am Getting This Done.

There isn't anything I want more. Why I am not currently visiting the ladies' room 20 times a day is beyond me. When will I be complaining about my back and crying over the three-legged lamb? I have never desired to be so ill and cranky and glowing in my whole life.

How very Veruca Salt of me.

Rock Me Gently

2008-01-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

The end of a crazy good week, y'all. School has been treating me like a champ (a smart champ, at that!) and I am liking work as much as ever. Caleb is just a dream and now we're covered for a huge exciting change! Life is so, so, so good.

(Nice to Meet You) Anyway

2008-01-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hello, First Day Of School.

While others are moaning about your return and even more are feeling the doubts of your familiar presence, I am trying to feign comfort. There are many things about you that are foreign to me.

I feel as if I am going to be a fake walking around Real Students. I know that I'll slip up and say something outrageous sometime today. And the worst part is that I'll be blind for awhile, seeing as I can't see a) without glasses and b) with the glasses I currently have.

You're scary, not just intimidating or daunting. You're terribly frightening and I hope that I will soon have other distractions that help me veer away from focusing on how petrified I am to wake up every morning from now on.

At least all of the new mornings won't be Firsts anymore.

We Never Learn, Do We

2008-01-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

My body does strange things sometimes. Be it the occasional eye twitch or joint cracking, my body is just reliable that way. Therefore, I was not afraid during my bath this evening when I felt like my heart was beating from inside my abdominal area. But it got me to thinking, if there really is a heart beating in my stomach, I had better get out of the bath before I boil it. So, I drained the water and let my tummy stop beating.

I'm doing much better now.

********

I was asleep by 11 last night. I didn't ring in the New Year, but I do feel thoroughly cleansed from last year; it was messy and grungy. Now I feel at peace and like everything is coming together. And with that, I'll say that my fancy bath bomb I got for Christmas is totally the bomb.

We Never Change, Do We

2007-12-31T21:34:00.001-08:00

It's a thrilling thing to look back on the year passing as another one is coming, full throttle. But, for me, it's a bigger event to look back on your life as a whole and to see where it could be heading. I think 2007 has been my best year to date, but I think 2008 has the possibility to surpass the rest.

I'm happier, smarter, more mature, and more willing to accept the consequences for my actions.
Ready to be an adult.

But excited to look back at the fun of yesteryear.

Everything That I'm Thinking

2007-12-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be petulant. I wish there was room enough in my life to go on tiny rampages and let everyone else deal with the consequences. If that were the case, I'd have a lot more open enemies, but maybe I'd lose a little perspective, too. And sometimes I wish for that loss of perspective, that void of knowing that the high school politics are just stupid games.

But, there's no room for that. I have to make big girl decisions and take care of my adult life. I get to realize that there is more to me than what I have now. And, I depend on me for my happiness.

I'm going to make the best of my situation. And I'm going to feel bad for anyone else who has decided not to do so.

Love is a Mix Tape

2007-12-24T00:06:00.000-08:00

My dad tells this story about my mom sometimes.

She was young, first married and first-time pregnant. My dad decided to be a dream and make his wife dinner; when things like that happen, it's usually a pretty fancy ordeal. So, my dad chose to make leg of lamb, among other things. And when the time came, my hormone-filled mom mourned the poor three-legged lamb in the meadow.

Suffice it to say she didn't eat it. Or at least, as far as I remember.

And because I can't sleep tonight, I keep thinking about this.

*****

My mom also used to tell us that certain things were "journal entries" in our lives. If something awesome happened or something once-in-a-lifetime happened, it was a journal entry. Or, at least a potential one. And as I'm re-reading my journals, I realize that I didn't take her up on that offer. Most of my super-important milestones have gone unrecorded. Sometimes that irks me, that I'll never quite remember what I was thinking on my wedding day or that fateful breakup the summer after my senior year.

The things that I did record, however, are still pretty cool. I know exactly what I was thinking during my first boy/girl dance in the 8th grade, I have each word recorded from my first request for a kiss. My first recurring nightmare is laid out in detail. And though I thought that I remembered all of these things, I realize that I don't have all the little details chalked in. The journal entries help fill in the flash.

So, Mom, I'll try to be better with the small things and even better with the big things.

There are many boys in my little journals, in hints; it's already pretty well-known. It's also something I've been thinking about. Mostly because Megan bought me the book Love Is a Mix Tape and I, of course, devoured it not even 24 hours after getting it. It's not a chick book, really, and it's not long. But, the whole point of it is that this guy remembers his wife who (spoiler alert!) has already died of a pulmonary embolism after 5 years of marriage through all the mix tapes they made for the 10 years they were together.

It has made me wonder if I could pour out a whole novel about my intense and lengthy affair with boys through words.

I mean, I wrote probably 5 pages of notes a day in middle school, right? And I kept all of my notes received in shoe boxes. Like, boxes under my bed. And of course, there's the introduction of AIM into my life. And email. And message boards. And blogs.

I could bang out 50,000 words easily about that. And probably make it halfway interesting. But, I want it to be a confessional. The point is that I want every past boy to be laid out, at his best, of course. I want it to be some final hurrah for those guys who need to be put to rest. And for those who are still alive for me, I need it to be this dedication of solidarity.

And I'm talking like this is going to happen.

******

And I'm going to try to sleep. It's just Christmas Eve Eve and I am already waiting for Santa.

We're Not Gonna Pay

2007-12-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

My heart is just bursting. And there is no reason for it.

We saw a crappy movie tonight. It's so stinking cold here. My Christmas shopping isn't done yet and I am considering just giving cash money instead of gifts.

I'm just feeling inspired because I have to. I lead a small town life and I usually have small town ambitions, being a wife and mother to people I care about.

But lately, I'm obsessed with three things: babies, not living an internet life, and being in a rock band.

My new ethnicity is currently Rock Star.That's all I can relate to right now. I feel like there should be some Rock Star club on campus that I can join and bond with my fellow Rock Star brethren. I want to get fake tattoos and just put them everywhere. My gut is telling me that I have this huge potential to blow the brains out of multiple sources if only I just put all of my restlessness into one huge EP. But I have no one proficient enough in rock and roll to guide my along my way.

And I'm sick of leading my internet life. There were times when the internet was all I had to keep myself sane, but I look back on those times and realize that there was a fine line between sane and complete BS. When I recently deleted my yahoo account, I was going through old emails for useful content and I got so mad at myself for years wasted, hearts broken. I knew better than all that. I was so hungry for attention and so craving of validation that I just left my heart trail strewn across countless virtual wastelands. I have set myself up for meeting these great people and then having them completely inaccessible in the real world. I've said it before and I'll say it again, all I want is to have all the people I love close enough to hold. And my stupid internet life puts me in touch with people I'll never really touch. I hate myself for that.

The babies? What's new with that, other than I'm taking my prenatal vitamins every day. The weeks are crawling by and the closer it gets, the less I feel up for it. My life is colliding into one massive a-bomb come January, so I want to turn around and back up into it, blindfolded. And part of that is to just skate into having a baby. All the other parts are going to be so hard, so I hope that karma and fate decide to make the baby part easy, initially.

*****

These things, these thoughts that flood my mind every second of the day, may sound daunting, dastardly, decidedly off-putting. But they are gunning me toward pushing the envelope and being That Girl. I've just got to get there. I've just got to.

Here's A Late-Night Letter

2007-12-16T21:50:00.001-08:00

This is all meta. Don't read this if that bores you.

****

One thing I've always struggled with was the here and now. The days gone by are best and the future kid holds so much more than I'd ever want or need. But the now? Eh, just give me tomorrow.

So, I'm never surprised when I feel anxious. The heart beating out of my chest for no real reason is something that has always frequented my life. It's never shocking when I want to get in a car and drive or take all that well-saved cash and blow it on bubble gum. And it's actually no surprise when I do those things.

I just am not in love with this moment. Or this moment. Or this one.

So, there are dreams I like to dream; they usually include blowing this popsicle stand and doing the unexpected. The solace I find in this is that I know that even if I did that, I'd continue dreaming about it. If I found myself on the other side of the world, meditating and serene, I would assuredly be wistful about days of deadlines and dishes.

My life is happy. My life is blessed. But I don't know how to deal with my restlessness now that my life is tied to another person's. There have always been consequences to my actions and there was never a carte blanche. Now, those consequences are bigger and my limitations are squeezed. All blissfully, but still there.

I just want what I want and I feel like I should get what I need. But I don't know what's best for me. A better question is who does? In my heart of hearts, there are a couple things I'm dying for.

And here I thought that this was a 48-hour bug. Eating me up inside now, I suppose. Just be normal, Holly. Get back to yesterday's normal.

Last Night, You Told Me Secrets You've Never Told A Soul

2007-12-16T16:26:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a day of being freezing, but ultimately of becoming a person that I want to be.

Free to Do What I Want

2007-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

I could totally be wrong, but I believe that my cousin Cari has tagged me to tell six interesting things about myself. And if I actually am wrong, I'll just be my interesting little self anyway.

1. Individually, I like people who amaze the pants off me and make me feel inferior in essentially every way, shape and form. Gives me some belief in the human race and doesn't leave me the entirety of leading the people to freedom; it's always nice to be able to pass the buck, throw it up, etc. My admirations lean to the methodical, the disregarding, those who work hard for the money and pull it off with ease. If you can bend your thumb back to touch your arm, I'm doubly impressed. When you get some of these ultras together, however, they instantly become a) the magic to end all magic or b) kids of the conundrous doldrums. How I am apt to hate large groups of splendid people. Then it's the realization that perhaps I'm inferior for a reason. In the social setting, they become a sound rather than a wall of it. Clique. Their outrageousness should stun us all to the walls, praying that we might get to touch them when we wait outside after the concert. More likely than not they're circling it up, telling jokes about catharsis and whispering about all the marvelous things they could be doing. These were the kids I knew/hated in high school. But person to person, they were a dream.

2. My first boyfriend once told me that I was the most attractive after a good crying fit. Thinking about my blotchy eyes and black tiger-striped face, I was baffled at his comment. Wiping a stray hair out of my face, he carmel-covered it by saying that it made me more child-like and humble; he said it was the only time that he ever felt like he could baby me the way he wanted to, because any other time I demanded control. That, and my eyes turn the most amazing blue. Every boyfriend after this has agreed with this statement.

3. Because I'm rather fancy, I love to express myself. I am struck by the amount of wonder that I can exude when I'm feeling wide-open-spaces inside. I've always felt wonder at things that impress me; not the puzzled wonder of a question unanswered, but an awe that makes me spread out on the grass and gaze at the sun until I'm blind.

4. I wish that I had a sign to switch on and off that indicated how I wish to be treated that day; like, some days I want to be held like a doll and waited upon and treated as though I were a tad of a plaything. Obviously, on other days I would find this degrading and disgusting, but for those certain days, it just seems to fit. I often have to battle it out between hardcore and arrogant. And arrogance usually wins.

5. Now, with all this relatively heavy material, you probably consider me to be an incredibly dark person. But I'm not; I'm really not. I don't think I could be friends with anyone fun unless I was willing to roll around in the snow or scream at the top of my lungs. I'm more fun than cotton candy and bouncy balls- combined. I'm a prankster, a heckler and a doofus. I sleep with stuffed animals and I have an Ariel the Little Mermaid alarm clock. If that's not the quintessential mark of fun, I don't know what is. I've been known to sing the wrong words to songs on purpose, play with sidewalk chalk and have candy fights. I dance in front of the mirror when I'm alone. I watch Bill Cosby and laugh my brains out. The most purely entertaining movie I've ever seen is a movie called Surf Ninjas. When I want to get out of a funk, I throw in my Spice Girls CD and shout the lyrics to "Wannabe." I look like I'm a pre-pubescent boy when I flip my pen around my thumb. And yes, I do think the word "poop" is funny. I am ridiculous, and that's important to know.

6. And Baby Holly used to live here.

Now, Shelley, Mom and Caleb are tagged. Do this or die!

A Preview of The Snow Shoot

2007-12-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

For a class of Caleb's, we had to have a photo shoot. It just so happened that we got our first real snow on the day it was planned. Here are a few that we took that day.

That I Ever Did Receive

2007-11-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful; Redlands welcomed me home and offered awesome inside jokes, wonderful food and deserts and best of all, my childhood journals.

I had been inspired by Caleb's previous journals to find my own and check out what crazy things I wrote as an 8 year old. So, when I got home, Mom helped me dig them out of the old boxes in the garage - it was a treasure hunt!

And after surviving a few brutal public readings and reading them through myself, my journals have inspired me to change a few things in my life. One of these things is really getting back to pencil and paper. This blog is wonderful for being accessible to friends and family, but it's terrible for actually letting the catharsis process work. So, I think I'm going to do that.

Make it Happen, Cap'n

2007-11-17T20:15:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow marks the first day that our church nursery will have all 2 year olds; it won't make too much of a difference, but it is still an exciting benchmark.

When Caleb and I went to his English Fall Social, we were able to look around the one of the newer buildings on campus, the Gordon B. Hinckley Alumni building. There were so many exhibits and plaques that taught so much about this extraordinary man; I appreciated so much how beautiful it all was. However, I saw one thing that I knew someone would be able to appreciate better than I would.

This is the Marjorie Hinckley chair that was dedicated to the prophet's wife before she died, for her commitment to strengthening home and family. I'd heard about it on campus and I had forgotten that it even existed until I saw it in this building. I didn't think that it would get any cooler, but then I read the plaque that goes along with it.

The last paragraph is the most touching, as it is a quote from President Hinckley at the groundbreaking of this building. It reads:

"There is only one thing that dulls the luster of this occasion, and that is the absence of my beloved companion. But she has on this campus a chair, which carries her name, and I now have a building. Maybe we could move her chair into my building and we'd be together again."

I had to take some pictures of these things because I knew my mom would appreciate it the most of all. So, here we are.

Also, speaking of taking pictures for people who aren't here, Caleb and I saw the perfect thing for our friend Natalia and we just had to take a picture of it. It is called the Aerogarden and I think she would love it. Therefore, Nat, if you're reading this, we're thinking of you and your green thumb in Provo.

You're Only 16

2007-11-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

I just wrote my first 600 words of the Nano because I figure that if I'm not doing my usual work schedule, I may as well do something. It's not the greatest piece of literature ever and it probably won't turn into the 50,000 word monstrosity that Nano asks for, but I at least feel a little accomplished.

Caleb has requested that we have a group photo shoot over the weekend; it will include friends, family and the perfect locale, wherever that may be. I feel like for this huge occasion, I should do something bright and shiny to make myself better, faster, stronger. So...

I wish, I wish, I wish for brown hair. The richer, the better. And some cute bangs.

Decompress, Holly.

The Score

2007-11-11T17:29:00.001-08:00

I'm overflowing. I was so diligent about posting and pondering and purveying and then all the walls came crashing back up again, so my thoughts have been bottled up. Now that they've turned into jelly, I've realized what a waste that was. So, here I am, spilling over

Also, there has been an ebb and flow with my desire to scrapbook lately. And now I am on the "do it do it do it!" portion of that cycle. But not just any scrapbooking; I recently got a book called We Dare You, which really is a great book about scrapping ALL the things in life, not just the foofy la la ones. I've already done a page about the difficulty of a particular part of blending two lives together [see: finances] and I have another, more controversial page in mind. Actually, now that I think about it, I have a few that I want to do. The point is, brethren, I have to grasp at this whim while it is around. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in life soon, with nothing to show for it.

Obviously enough, this is the month of November. I know I said I'd be doing National Novel Writing Month and pounding out words like a crazy woman. But the beginning of the month held more important things, so I've abandoned the idea as a whole. Now I feel vaguely void in that creative area of my brain; must be why I'm itching to let it all out in other areas.

I know this might be spilling all the beans. It could be a crazy ordeal and start all sorts of mishaps. But I don't care. Here goes, home slice:

So, I talked to Caleb online before I went to pick him up from work on Monday; he was in a foul mood. I always have to decide how far in I want to pry when this occurs, so this time I was set to be as supportive as I could and asked the reasoning behind the pout.

He begins to tell me how upset he is at the Health Center and BYU insurance in general. I thought it might have been an overcharge or that they'd been harassing him in some other manner, but I was wrong. He explains that he had been in contact with them all day, trying to change our insurance to maternity that very day. Apparently that isn't allowed and the soonest switch comes winter semester.

All of this is a shock to me, as I had previously thought that maternity was not an option until January anyway. A good shock. A great shock.

He reveals that he's decided that he is ready ASAP for a baby. But the insurance is not.

So, two more months.

I'm very happy.

I've Always Had a Passion for Flashing

2007-11-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

Two names you go by:
1. H to the L.O.

2. Hollz

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. My wedding ring

2. A Shade shirt

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:
1. Fun
2. Understanding

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Have parties

2. Sleep in with Caleb!

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A big family

2. A new fish

Two favorite pets you have had/have
1. Twinkles, a springer spaniel dog

2. Joe, my favorite guinea pig

Two things you did last night:
1. Rewatched the most recent episode of "The Office"

2.Watched Sportscenter

Two things you ate today
1. Count Chocula

2. A bean and cheese burrito from Bajio

Two people you last talked to:
1. My mom

2. My husband

Two things you're doing tomorrow

1. Meeting with an academic counselor

2. Teaching a class at Archiver's

Two longest car rides:
1. From Redlands to Yellowstone

2. From Provo to Elk Point

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween

2. 4th of July

Two favorite beverages:
1. Chocolate milk

2. Orange juice!

Two shows last watched
1. The Office

2. How I Met Your Mother

Next two places you want to visit:
1. Bartlesville, OK

2. Redlands, CA!

You've Got The Keys

2007-10-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

Caleb and I just came from a rousing Primary Presentation practice with some really cute and cool little kids. Caleb gets to tend to the smartest ever McKenzi (who decided it would be a good time to practice her grunting when she got the the microphone) and I get to have fun with our little Travis and Samuel. We are very blessed to have access to these sweet spirits; the best part about it is that they all know how to crack us up. Maybe one day we'll have a little comedian in the family!

***********

My first Saturday off in awhile; I was hoping that we'd be able to go to the corn maze or something similar, but anything could happen in this great fall weather. With the new addition of Transformers Monopoly to our house, there is the possibility that we'll be buying and trading Autobots until the early morning light.

Work has been going fine; I was alerted yesterday that we will be closing down for a week or two in January to take care of the gross, molded tile and carpet from the Labor Day flood, so I'll have to think of some great projects to keep me from being bored. Or, how about I just start school? I really love the people I work with and I hope that I won't be a bum and lose track of them when I stop working there.

It's amazing to me how much one depends on his or her body when trying to accomplish something. For instance, yesterday at work, my body decided that the muscles weren't needed, which made the remaining two hours literally drag. I even asked if maybe I could go home early, which everyone must have thought that I was pulling another one of my pranks, because they just laughed. Wherever this pure exhaustion is coming from, it should be explained soon. If it's mono, Julie's going to hear about it from me!I just want to be a warrior.

Please Bless Her That All Her Dreams Will Come True

2007-10-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

My hair is getting longer. I promise.

***********

Yesterday was our first time with our ward in almost a month; we had strep for a week and then General and Stake conferences, so we were out of commission with the ward for so long. At any rate, I was stoked to teach our little nursery class and practice singing the primary songs for the primary presentation. Let it suffice to say that I was in a happy mood.

While we were singing the opening hymn, my eyes started to well up with huge tears. At first, I was convinced that I was just so happy to be there with my husband that my emotions got the best of me. Then, as my tears flowed through the sacrament, the first speaker, the second speaker, the special musical number and the last speaker, I was otherwise convinced.

The answer hasn't come yet, and while I pulled it together for nursery, I am still feeling the unexplained emotional power.

Yay for being a girl.

You make me somebody
Nobody knows me
Not even me can see

There are times when I feel antsy. Like now. There are times when I type "three" instead of "there." Like now. There are times when I feel inspired to be my very best. And my very worst. Being crazy is inspiring and being normal is welcoming.

****************

And my life is very good compared to most. I wish I could record all of the worst moments of people's lives, string them together and see who has the longest, most dreadful video. And when I had all the movies of the people that mean the most to me, I'd have an exclusive film festival showing the very best and very worst.

When all the popcorn is gone and the lights turn back on, I would want to turn to the viewers and say:

When you saw your life flash before your eyes, did it sting? When you saw others' lives, did it hurt? I know my life is good and I'm sure your's is too. Please hold on when it hurts and please remember that when it stings, your life is good.

It breaks my heart to see people I love struggle over grains of sand.

I Cannot Be More Crystal Clear Than How Crystal Clear I am Being Right Now

2007-10-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

My idle thoughts are crazy today - mellow songs from days gone by and classic wonderings about strange logistics. I wonder what it's like to have normal thoughts.

Yesterday, I made the best dessert ever on the planet, Ghosts in the Graveyard! I am super in love with this, as it blends the delicious Oreo and the charming chocolate pudding. The Chatfield family found this recipe in a Sunday newspaper clipping through a magical stroke of luck; our lives have never been the same after partaking it for the first time. I love the simplicity of the ingredients and the extreme deliciousness at the consumption of it. Love. Love love love.

I just had to share. Life is good.

You Come Swimming Into View

2007-10-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

I am a face toucher. I can't stop touching my face, even if there is nothing going on up there. There is no apology big enough that would make this weird habit okay. It's one of those things that definitely increases the oil production on my face and keeps me looking young with all that acne. Or something.

I'm swinging. Mood swinging. All of the inanity that goes on in my life is usually soothing; it gives me something to figure out and handle and problem solve. But lately, I am going out of my mind with how one minute, everything is cool and the next, I'm blatantly freaking out. Hello, early menopause! It may be that there are multiple Hollys just wanting more air time; the cryptic and seductive Holly must be put on pause for the extremely irritated and sensitive Holly. Or something. It is a vexing thing, if only because I can't pinpoint why all of this is happening. And at the moment, I don't feel too badly for anyone who has to deal with me. But, this is selfish and unfeeling Holly, so who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?

Today, I made and sent a cute Thank You card to the poor owner of the wrecked Ford Focus. I didn't know how to word "Sorry your car is totaled, but you were really nice to me," so I just made the card as cute as I could and basically put "thanks" inside. It's the thought that counts, which is awesome because it's the only thing that I put thought into all day.

Which, I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but Caleb and I went to the IMAX theater to see "Transformers" on the big screen. We went last Friday and had a fun time eating burgers before the show and sitting at the feet of alien robots during the show. This is of note because it was my last ditch effort to have Caleb see the movie in the theater one more time before the DVD came out yesterday. And yes, we now own it.

I will not waste tomorrow.

Rain On Me

2007-10-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm angry. I want to just to forget this day and skip to tomorrow. I'm tired of not flossing and I want to be the stunner that I feel like I used to be. All that I ever was is just floundering in pretty much an unending cycle of no laundry being done.

Don't worry, I'm not dressing up for Halloween.

We got boo'ed today, with cute rice krispies halloween shapes that have candy corns on them. A bright spot.

Oh, did I mention that I got in a car wreck? Had I stopped to get milk, that probably wouldn't have happened. The cop was awesome; he gave me copies of the info for the other two cars involved in the crash. Having this information makes me want to drive to the little child's house and bash in his mailbox. My car is fine, I'm a little tweaked in the neck and thank goodness the weather was good. But, I'm just ticked. My very first car accident ever turned out so fine, but it's a good thing I didn't get hit by a mean gravel truck; I would be suing the living daylights out of everyone involved! Car wreck, car wreck. Grrrr.

I can't stop being exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, my body does NOT want to go. I stink. I'm terrible.

Find Your Dream Come True

2007-10-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

There has been a quiet stillness in the house. Most people would equate that to peace, happiness, tranquility; for me, it's almost boring.

I can't stop being me.

With the coming National Novel Writing Month coming up, I'm excited to put myself in yet another unfinished work. Last year, I was able to come up with a small amount of ideas before November 1st came; as for the here and now, I'm just going to fly by the seat of my pants and hope that I don't completely embarrass myself in the process. The only thing I can think of to do that would actually help me accomplish the 50,000 word goal is to write a bunch of short stories. I don't happen to be the most creative writer in the world, so one huge, whole storyline that requires a beginning, middle and end sounds too extreme for me. Now, if I cut that up into little sections that I could fill with witty anecdotes and poignant plot points, then I might just reach it. Might being the key factor.

Just give me one more chance to make it right

Say It Again: So It Is.

2007-10-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm sitting, watching the BYU/UNLV game. It's the first one this football season that I've been able to see. There are a few reasons why I've missed out so much: I've been working, I've been otherwise engaged, the games haven't been broadcast on The Mountain. It's amazing how last season, I was so diehard and now I'm just a casual fan. I know the names of the quarterback and a few of the running backs and that's it; this time last year, I could tell you the names and numbers of so many more players. I also didn't really work on Saturdays ever last year.

What a difference 365 days makes.

Feeling hungry, even though we ate a couple of hours ago. Since the McDonald's monopoly craze has begun, Caleb and I figured that we should take advantage of our chicken mcnugget addiction and get some big money out of it. Therefore, I'm in charge of keeping track of all the little pieces, as well as entering them onto the virtual game board. I say all this because we had McDonald's a little before the football game started and it makes me crazy to have my body tell me it's hungry when I know it shouldn't be.

It is a big dream for me that my eyes don't eventually give out on me. They are just terrible already; usually I can at least fake it when I can't see something, but lately I've been feeling really hindered. The other day I left the house to go get Caleb from work, forgetting that I hadn't grabbed my glasses. By the time I drove the 4 minutes to the Joseph F. Smith building, I was tired of squinting and made Caleb drive home. I'm pondering whether it would be a smart idea for me (once Caleb gets a big boy job and actual insurance) to get Lasik surgery; I know that it isn't exactly necessary, since I don't need my glasses first thing in the morning, but it might save my life in case I need to drive in an emergency or something.

For what it's worth, I am enjoying the rain, though others aren't.

Someday, I hope that I get a new fish soon. My grief has subsided over The Warrior and I think that another fish would be a good addition to the Flanagan home. Every time we consciously visit Wal-mart to get another beta fish, they either are severely lacking in quantity or missing something in quality. The only thing I can think of that is holding us back is that the timing isn't right. Someday!

And it looks like we won't end up dressing up for Halloween.

I'm feeling like I was right about big changes.

You Want to Rock, Let's Rock!

2007-10-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

There are spiderwebs outside my back door. Also, ghosts with newspaper for brains.

YAY HALLOWEEN!

***************

It's interesting what happens when I'm not in the mood to do things. For instance, today, I was called upon to teach a small make and take at work; for some reason, I hadn't really gotten in the groove and I just wasn't really feeling peppy enough to promote a stamp press.

Which reminds me, I think my cramps may have lead me to a caffeine addiction.

Anyway, I knew I would have to push through these blahs, so I ramped up and decided to fake it 'til I made it. Of course, things went well (though not as well as most of my classes). I just can't believe that people are able to do things that would normally be against their will.

YAY BEING A GROWN-UP!

I want to be more productive and we might be going to Lagoon.

She Had So Much Soul

2007-10-09T12:26:00.001-07:00

I just wrote Tim a letter. A couple of pages long with a few P.S. notes on the back, it just reminded me of how much I love to love people. He was a very good boy and I'm glad that he doesn't balk at the thought of his ex-girlfriend's older, married sister writing him letters from half-way around the world.

Make them straighten up their hat
Because she knows they're soft

All is well in the Flanagan house for another day. I am going to put up the faux cobwebs and the sweet Halloween banner Mommy made me last year to welcome another October 31st. I love Halloween so much and I can't believe that this year we're actually going to the ward activity dressed up! It's just too bad that the little Wymount kids aren't trick or treating here this year; I may have to have our nursery kids come anyway, because I bet they'll be so cute!

I just turned up the heater. Holla!

Going back to the first thought, I am so happy to like the people I like. I also like to not like the people I don't like, which is definitely a drawback to my personality. I don't like it when people I like give me reasons to not like them. I also don't like it when people I don't like give me reasons to like them. I like familiarity and hate change. I like to be liked. I also like to be disliked.

Just In Time To Save the World From Being Taken Over

2007-10-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have a friend/co-worker who is due to have her very first baby on October 20th; her doctor says that the baby could come at any time and to be ready for it. Her husband is in Iraq until May and she works just as much as I do at Archiver's. The other day, she and I were talking about the possibility of doing a scrapbooking night sometime next month and she pointed out that she would have to wait to see what her babysitting schedule looked like.

It was pointed out that she doesn't have to worry about that kind of thing now and that perhaps it should stay that way - keep the baby in her forever until she doesn't have to be babysat anymore.

Later that evening, Caleb stated that he would like it if all babies were born 8 months old, because apparently that's when babies become fun.

It's obvious that at the Flanagan house, we have a skewed vision of what it means to bring a life into the world.

Let's go on a living spree
They say the best things in life are free

This weekend was supposed to be full of spiritual goodness and jammies, as it was time for the the bi-annual General Conference. However, instead, I worked straight through almost all 4 sessions. I caught the last hour or so of the Sunday afternoon session, which gave me goosebumps and all. Then I was able to go to Grandma Chatfield's for Sunday dinner, which made for some interesting conversation. I'm sure my husband will reference in his blog at some point this week about how I was (kiddingly!) mentioning his poor kissing skills.

I also referenced last night that when I'm having a bad day, it takes me 5 minutes to write paragraphs and paragraphs. But, today, it's taken me 45 minutes to write these few sentences. Guess that means it's a pretty good day.

I Only Want Sympathy in the Form of You Crawling Into Bed With Me

2007-10-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer

This is the third time I've tried writing a post today. The other times there have been distractions and apathetic thoughts and all other manner of intimidating things - but here I am, keeping it real.

My bathroom is clean, as is my kitchen. My fridge is cleaned out and I have a feeling that no one else but me will notice that I swept up all the cheez-its from the pantry. My day off was spent cleaning - trying to chase away my bad mood.

Wouldn't you rather be a winner?

The truth of it all is that I am planning a few life-changing events to happen concurrently, which is just silly from all angles. The plan is for us to start trying to have a baby in January, while I was recently told that I have been accepted for my 800th try at going to school at BYU. Not only will we be bringing new life into the world, but I'll be trying to get myself to actually succeed in something I know I can be good at.

I have been inhaling youtube when it is allowed on the BYU network; if it's available, I drop pretty much everything and watch music videos, parodies, video blogs. Fall Out Boy, Usher, U2, Perez Hilton, White and Nerdy, Hot in Herre by Jenny Owens Young. It is a disease, I say.

Speaking of, apparently I've liked Fall Out Boy since before I knew who they were. All of these videos are revealing who the authors of multiple formerly-anonymous songs are. Loving it.

You're Unbreakable, Unmistakable, Highly Capable

2007-09-27T09:08:00.001-07:00

I just can't stop making funny nose sounds! First thing in the morning and I'm quietly laughing because my body is this rancid orchestra.

There are just so many things racing through my mind - as you can tell from the title of my post, all of these things are empowering and really really really happy. The times when I have so many good happenings and inspiration to be better, faster, stronger should always coincide with great wake-up hair.

Since Prince was on Apollonia
Don't act like I never told ya

Remember, a few days/weeks/posts ago, when I said I was over the baby thing? Good thing that there are moments in life that bring us back to where we want to be, even if we don't know it right then. During my class at Archiver's yesterday, I got to hold a punk rock baby named Reggie; he held on to my hair and fell asleep on my shoulder, all the while drooling, drooling, drooling. And I'm not going to renig on a dream, you know?

Caleb has been so sick and right on the cusp of him feeling world-famous again, I catch the sluggish onset and the muscle spasms that kept me on the couch all night. And now that I'm feeling high on good ideas and a bit of Lortab, I can't wait to get better and paint the town so bright red. It's the one thing about me that I think is really unique - I get skin-bursting whims to do some really great things.

Turn me up!

I can feel change coming. Whether it's the weather or my insides or something in the world, there's going to be a change. And a good change, which is so hard to come by.

The Things I've Been Thinking In Spurts

2007-09-22T19:53:00.001-07:00

Every scrapbook page I've made and liked in the last month has been the property of Archiver's. It's also been 8x8.

My nose is ridiculous. Doesn't there come a point when it's boring to be sick?

I've finally come to realize that the quality of friends is the bottom line.

My heart is warmed by all the spiritual blessings I've received lately.

A Meant to Be Moment

2007-09-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

Old friends! New lovers! And the disabled!

I wore my husband's khakis to work today. Happy "Didn't Do the Laundry and Now You Get to Pay the Price For It" day!

A sore throat lead to sharing it, doctoring it and now to poisoning it with thousands of milligrams of medicine. Caleb coerced me to the health center and I only went because I thought it might be mono. It's terribly perplexing to me how I have come to distrust anyone who tries to fix anything of mine that is broken; ever since January, when the fancy machines and doctors couldn't tell me why my head was exploding, I have taken an active disinterest in paying someone and wasting my time, only to receive a kick in the pants in return. That is why this dyslexic laptop will never get sent away, my ear will always pop and my parents' oven stays kaput.

Lady Dreamer
You may be the soundest sleeper

As always, an unpopular topic. But here it is.

To be frank, I have recently put the idea of a baby in the backseat. Not that it wasn't important or that there wasn't a chance, but more that other things and passions and ideas made it so I didn't have to think about a baby 24/7. A freeing experience, to say the least.

None of this means that I don't want to have a baby. It just means that I actually am seeing that there's life without the existence of making life, you know?

Seeing some of our old friends
Feels good to dance again

Who does this girl look like? Why is it that when I uploaded photos of the Colors concert to my computer that I was wondering why a picture of Shelley was in with them? I must be the only one who sees it.

Should I Address All My Letters to the Well To Be?

2007-09-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Why is it that my urges to blog come 5 minutes before I have to be anywhere? What is it about the rush that makes my brain function?

That's it. I don't have enough NOW NOW NOW in my life. I can pretty much set my own terms and negotiate my contract. My specialty is not cracking under pressure, shining when there's blood, sweat and tears. And I just don't have that right now.

Listening to Jason Mraz makes me feel more magical.

I love being in love and working with people I love and having these moments that make everything seem glittered in twinkle dust.

I'm a Hazard to Myself

2007-09-11T15:48:00.001-07:00

Do yourself a favor, you who can't see without glasses. Read this poem.

I've been reluctant to wear my glasses, recently; it's a mixture of hating to depend on something and thinking about this poem. For those who aren't link followers, the poem by Lisel Mueller describes Monet refusing to have surgery done on his failing eyes. At one point, he says,

"I tell you it has taken me all my life
to arrive at the vision of gas lamps as angels,
to soften and blur and finally banish
the edges you regret I don't see...."

I've been trying to appreciate the things that are closest to me, both in proximity and in feeling. Luckily, I'm incredibly near-sighted (so much so that something that is three feet from my face is hazy), which aids me in paying attention to my immediate surroundings. As far as the people closest to me, they know I'm blind and don't laugh too much as I squint to see them.

I'm working so hard at being the person I should be. And I feel that this "person" is someone who appreciates what she has.

What I have is crappy eyesight and a beautiful world in front of me.

You Give Yourself Away

2007-09-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I love U2. I'll admit it.

*************

Putting off way too many IMPORTANT things. Like, feeding my family with actual groceries and making sure that I actually can wear clean clothes.

Tonight's the night! Getting the act together!

A crash of waves, a break of thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger

Again, with the scrapbooking. Same paragraph as before and everything. Because of the flood at work, there is pretty much no way that anything normal can happen and therefore - nothing for us to do. Today, I made some wonderful little pages that I'm hoping are good enough to display. They are all little random gems that aren't really status quo for samples, but I love them! Maybe today is the day that I will receive some new prints in the mail and I'll just rampage through all my cardstock, ravish it and tear into some deep parts of history.

May I suggest you get the best

Or I'll get this crazy feeling out of my chest. It's my "there is probably something deep in my psyche that needs to be unleashed" chest clench. Or it's a "I have so much pent up energy and I need to go run around somewhere" esophogial spasm. Works like a charm.

I have never been able to explain it, but I've had it ever since I was a teenager. There are just some days where I feel like I can't breathe, but no matter how many puffs of the inhaler are inhaled. I'm sure it's a psychological thing, but I wish it wouldn't insist on visiting me so often.

With a whole new meaning and a brand new sense
Completely unrelated to the one I sent

I am so happy. I am so fresh. There are none that can touch me and none brave enough to try. If I weren't me, I would want to be.

To Somehow Attract Your Attention

2007-09-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind
Let me show you

Something cathartic about this space. It's just something that helps me get it all out and feel light as a feather when I'm done. Amazingly enough, there isn't even that much to purge lately - the job's good, the house is AMAZING, the boyfriend is the best. The only things that I could contend might be giving me restless nights are my crazy, vivid dreams of burning passions and raging idealisms. I'm up, pounding out realizations in the wee hours, only to forget them at dawn.

Strange, strange.

********

There was a flood in my store on Sunday night. Water main burst, 5 inches of standing water, 2 inches of silt. A Holly cleaning crew Monday morning. Awesome. Something like that. At least it's out of the ordinary. Wouldn't it be crazy if the place you worked was perpetually flooded?

You and me, I can see us dying.
Are we?

This scrapbooking thing is getting to impossible-to-reign-in heights. I am compelled to scrapbook at all times of the night and day. Point - there are few pictures left to scrapbook (for I will never do the wedding!) and I am in this frenzy to create and here I am. No pictures. Plenty of frenzy.

Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine

I am a believer in karma, to a certain degree. It doesn't hurt to do good things and to put good things out into the world because those good things can only be returned with good. The bad things? Well, they are returnable, as well. And that is why people find things happening to them that are otherwise unexplainable. Why else would anyone lose their keys in a matter of seconds?

Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to find myself.

I don't know when I became a-feared of the doctor's office, but here I am, once again. Cavities! I could probably point out, on a toothy chart, where it hurts and how deep the pain goes. It's not a mystery thing that hinders my dentistry progress - it's the adult process. I can choose what to do now. And what do I choose? Being stubborn about chewing sweet things only on the left side of my mouth.

Dumb.

******************

Flight of the Conchords: Episode 4 has been downloading on iTunes for 4 hours now. Worth it?

What a hilarious misunderstanding.

The Most Boringest Post in the West

2007-09-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of nursery. According to the rolls, we have three sweet, awesome children in our class; but, for today, it was simply 2 two year old boys. We had fun crashing cars and eating pretend Dairy Queen and runningrunningrunning. We are very blessed to get a great calling that helps us get to church every Sunday!

*****************

Three scrapbook pages done today. I had jotted down a list while at work on Friday about doing some scrapbooking that I had been petrified to do previously; hello, I know this sounds totally silly, but follow me, here. The fear of doing things that are controversial and not foofy-la-la really turns me inside out, as far as scrapbooking goes.

But, it is done. Irrational fears, young love and bringing some blogging into the scrap world.

Oh so very cathartic.

Tristan and Isolde Twice in the Past Two Days

2007-08-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

I've got the squiggles.

I wish I had pictures to scrapbook and the choice of any products I wanted to use - and I want it right now!

There isn't much at the moment that wouldn't bring me to a weepy mess (good OR bad!) because heaven help me, I play mind games on myself.

I dreamed last night that I had mono.

Of all of the great things that happened while I was in California, getting my wedding rings cleaned was the best.

When I sit in my living room now, I feel like there should be a cute little book group here, chatting about the latest and greatest novel.

As I've been married, I have found it harder to appreciate that the sun goes down at a late time during the summer.

If I were a queen, I would still wear sandals and hope that my people still loved me.

Why, oh why is my throat burning right now?

An Account of All of the Exciting Adventures I've Been Having in California While Not Being Around Anyone From Utah

2007-08-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

While I've been gone, Caleb redecorated our living room. He's so great about thinking about me and how I would like things to look. Now it actually is inviting and homey! Yay Caleb.

***************

There have been plenty of adventures. And plenty of excitement.

But both of those great things will translate only if you have ever been with the Chatfields as a clan before. All of the hilarity and the crazy fun has been around the dinner table, in the car, doing mundane things that typically wouldn't invite the words "loud" and "awesome" to describe them.

So, pretty much, they'll be better to talk about in person. Or, when I'm feeling more prolific.

Not for the Faint of Heart

2007-08-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to put this. It has been taking so long to just write these first few sentences, but I can't explain why. So, out with it.

Lately, the last few months, I've been thinking a lot about my first boyfriend. Because we have had no contact for the 4 years we've been broken up, I could only derive, from the few reports I'd heard from my family, that he was a bum, living at home and doing drugs. I couldn't understand why I would be thinking about someone who had become that. It didn't make sense because the things I was remembering were the times he was doing church activities, seminary, all the good things that he should be doing. I brushed these off as fanciful reminisces and not much else. Guilt washed over me as I thought that those things meant more than just good memories, more than I was letting myself believe. So, I didn't say much to anyone about it. I wanted to forget. But everything kept coming back up - at work, in idle times, even in the temple recently. This was all too much to take in.

However, at church today, the main topic in all the meetings was listening to the Spirit in whichever way He communicates best with you. I contemplated that and decided that I was doing a great job; the Spirit has been very vocal with me recently and I have been trying to do everything He asks, even if it is hard. There have been many, many blessings because of it, so I thought that I was awesome and ready to be celestialized. Or something.

While driving to choir practice today, Mommy told me a story about my first boyfriend's little sister, who recently shared a story about how her sincere prayer about her brother spurred a poignant feeling from the Holy Ghost that he was close to coming back to church. Mom related to her that she also felt the same way when she prayed for him.

And it hit me- the Spirit has been pushing me to prayer. I had been interpreting those thoughts as post-romantic when I should have been thinking of them as memories of a really good man who was doing the best with what he had.

So, tonight, Heavenly Father is going to hear a prayer regarding my friend Loren. I hope He hears them.

Wrapped Around Your Finger

2007-08-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for inspiration lately. Not just for scrapbooking or for blogging, but for life.

And I really think the things that inspire me the most are sometimes the things that bring out the worst in me. Something about listening to The Police encompasses all the feelings I have when I am sure that I don't have to consider anything that anyone else has to say. Reading Ayn Rand makes me believe that yes, I was right in thinking that I can be my best self at the expense of others all those times. When I see the huge blue sky with all the white puffy clouds, it reminds me that in a world that sometimes tries to make me feel small, I can feel important and larger than life. All those traits that I try to stuff in the back of my mind make me ME and sometimes it's hard to remember that.

It makes me laugh to think that the things that make me feel the most like myself are base and self-serving.

***********************

I head home in a couple of days. I won't be bringing my husband, however, though I tried hard to make him come. I'm excited to go, but it will be hard to leave. You know?

Blooger.com

2007-08-13T22:07:00.001-07:00

Work was work. The morning came too early and bedtime continues to be too late.

But one thing certainly did make today different.

When I called Caleb after I left work, he told me that we would be visiting one of his high school friends who is in town from Oklahoma. I asked when, he said tonight. I asked where, he said Highland. I asked how late, he said nine.

Here's the first difference. Nine pm is late to me; this hasn't always been the case, as I've been able to stay up until the wee hours of the morning, only to fully function the next day. But now that I'm old and married, the sooner we get to sleep, the better! This adds to my suspicions that I am growing a farty and prudish shell around my party-tacular self and I am more than displeased with that.

Second difference - When Caleb is around my friends or our neighbors, he's pretty chill. There may be the occasional Transformers outbursts or loud exclamation at a particular point in the conversation, but he isn't really ever perpetually rambunctious. But, when he is around his friends from his teenage years, he is a whole different Caleb. There are the "remember the times" and the sticking verbal jabs and the general ease that is missing in most other social settings. It was nice to see him in his natural element, catching up with all of his friends that he has been so loyal to for so long.

It makes me wonder what it would be like if he felt that comfortable around the people we hung out with now. I would probably have to compete for attention, which is not my favorite thing in the world. But, it's still a fun dream to have.

Third and last difference - I'm not a stranger person. If I don't know you, I won't really try to talk to you (unless I'm getting paid to - I'm looking at you, Archiver's!). It's just my thing and my style and heaven knows it scares me to death to do anything else. So, when I walked into a room of people I'd never met before (save one), I expected to let Caleb do all the talking and that was that. Caleb was even grilled on the way over, as to what the approach of conversation would be and how I could best add to it in a way that wasn't out of place. The point is that when I came in, I got so many hugs and so many kind words and questions that needed long, drawn out answers. Essentially, I felt like I'd known these people for years, just like Caleb.

It was a fun night all around. But, I'm still SO not a stranger person.

If I Did Something Really Big

2007-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have ice cream leftovers on my left thumb. Also, I have them on the outside corners of my mouth, the back of my right elbow and the comforter on my bed.

I am not so typically messy.

Something must be different.

*****************************

I knew yesterday was going to be a terrible day from the moment I woke up.

As I typically work beginning in the morning and stretching into the afternoon, my groove was terribly thrown off by having to arrive at work at 2 pm. That's the afternoon. I had the whole morning to spend however I chose; the previous days being super productive, I decided that I would laze about and enjoy being young and alive. By mid-morning, however, I was bored to tears, trying not to do things I shouldn't and resolved to stick by my lackadaisical whimsy.

Work was sticky and hot, slow and confusing. A crushing blow was offered at the end; if that blow is reality, I am going to have a nuclear meltdown. But then, work was over.

The plan for the evening mutated, after it was realized that the green monster reared its ugly head.

I hate being the only one who sees things, sometimes.

***********************

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if I performed some grandiose magic. I can't be sure whether or not I would decide to do something good; supposedly, it comes with being a girl that I could definitively decide to destroy those I hate without a second thought. If I only had one crack, I might work it upon myself, fix the demons that plague me almost endlessly. If the efforts were limitless, I might decide to be philanthropic after days and months of personal advances.

But, without any powers, I probably am severely parallel to every Joe and Jill. To break out of that mold, I would have to exercise either complete irrationality or a bold conviction. You see, I want to punctuate every sentence of my life with an exclamation point. And the things that I feel need the most oomph come at the most inconvenient and perplexing times. At every turn, I want to 90 degree angle - not to go directly behind myself, but to sharply turn in a new direction. And, as always with my secrets, that is ridiculously impossible.

I want to live what I play on TV.

He Could Kill All the Other Fish

2007-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, a great guy died.

The Warrior, my red beta fish, decided to rest at the bottom of his bowl, looking awesome against the clear and blue rocks. He has been sick for awhile and we knew that he was going to go soon. But, it still makes me sad that my totally awesome fish and friend is gone.

Caleb said that we could get a new fish, but I don't know who could replace such a cool fish with such an awesome name.

One Extremely Large Circle

2007-08-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

There has not been one second today where I haven't been productive or amazingly intent on getting things done.

With that being said, I have finished a lot of projects. However, I feel like I've taken one step forward and two huge steps back. This occurrence comes from doing three separate dishes sessions today, only to have more dishes still piled high. So many loads of laundry have been finished, only to STILL have two more to do. I went along with my weekly menu and made some yummy stroganoff in the crockpot, only to have the smell of it permeate every inch of the house. All of the awesome things that I've done have just left me kind of bare.

If this is what it feels like to be productive, then screw it! Pass the bon bons and come hang in the jacuzzi.

Aren't You Just Sill?

2007-08-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

There is a lot going on lately, which is not really a bad thing. I've been trying to keep up with all the birthdays in Caleb's and my families, working a ton (which actually is awesome) and trying to find more meaning - more grit - more all-around perfection in life. And it's getting there and that's awesome. Just really...wow. I'm amazed at how when life gets its roughest, something always pulls you out of it (sometimes by the pigtails!) and it all becomes a dream again. So, I'm really excited and happy with that.

I have never been more happy than I am when I'm with Caleb. That's all the cheesiness that I'm going to say about our (AWESOME!) first anniversary, but it's very true.

Well, I'm also going to say that I got Caleb a new Relic watch because he's needed a new one ever since we've been married. I love this watch maybe more than he does, but I don't care! It's great! I took a picture of it and its cute carrying case to illustrate how kick-butt it is.

Caleb got me the first season of "Project Runway" on DVD and I cannot stop watching it. I have seen the second and third seasons and I've liked them, but I have always heard spectacular things about the first. When Caleb took me to FYE to get my special anniversary surprise, I knew right at once that he knew he was signing up to watch Project Runway for 12 hours today! Yay! Even though I'm not nearly as fashionable as I could be, the sheer fact that it's a Bravo reality show makes it watchable and enjoyable for me. Geektron central, holla!

This coming week could bring ANYTHING. I'm trying to be prepared.

The Art of Correspondence Has Been Pnwed

2007-07-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am lucky enough to live in an age where it is virtually impossible to lose track of past friends and neighbors. The internet does not make it hard to just look someone up and find their phone number, current city, facebook profile, myspace profile, instant messenger address and that embarrassing photo of their eighth grade science fair win. In fact, it makes it pretty easy. And I am also lucky enough to have the type of personality that figures not seeing someone daily makes it a foregone conclusion that we're not friends anymore. Actually, that is a terrible trait and I pretty much rail on myself every day because of it, but that takes me back to my original point.

The internet rocks.

Recently, I've been reading some blogs of friends I haven't seen in at least a year; most are still single, most have graduated college, most are traveling the world and intensely enjoying life. Seeing all of these great people doing great things (with photos to illustrate their adventures more fully) makes me really, really happy. It also makes me laugh a little because seeing my friends adjusting to their New Grown-up Lives reminds me of when we all were adjusting to our New Teenage lives; luckily, the vast majority are being super successful at the transition.

That being said, I just wonder what it would be like to gather everyone together in a room, all of the old clan, and see if we would all still like each other. I hear there are times and places where things like this happen, but high school reunions have been far too overdramatized on television and movies to make me think that going to one would EVER be a good idea. I am talking about everyone meeting at a Jamba Juice or Starbucks and just shooting the breeze for a couple of hours. I want my former schoolmates, old boyfriends, people who I used to go to church with, ex-coworkers - I want the works at my massive LetsSeeIfWeStillThinkEachOtherIsCool shindig. Again, because of my glowing personality, there's no way that I'll ever make this come true. But the thought of it makes me shimmer inside. The thought of my (probably now brain dead from drugs) first boyfriend hanging out with my (pretentious and "learn-ED") former employer, both with a chai tea in hand makes me giggle.

***************************

I've been feeling really fortunate lately. There isn't much in the way of embellishment that I want to add onto that idea, but let it be known that I'm feeling the wind blowing in my direction. I really REALLY like it.

I Don't Sweat

2007-07-26T10:46:00.001-07:00

After days and days of triple digit weather, yesterday brought 80 degrees and drops of rain to soothe our absolutely burning apartment. It was so awesome to have the sound of the air conditioner gone. I mean it. I love when the summer turns into thunderstorm central.

Since I last wrote, I've just been working and working. We got some new girls at work, who I love and pretty much everyone is back from their big summer vacations. I'm still thinking about finding another job and hoping that something will just turn up for me soon, but I don't want to risk not making enough baby money, whenever that baby should decide to appear.

Movies I've seen recently: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Ratatouille, Transformers, Grey Matters. Songs I love recently: Austin, Did You Get My Message, Do You, Lipgloss. TV Shows I obsess over: So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, Do You Know The Lyrics, Last Comic Standing. Talents I wish I had: cooking sweet dinners every night, being philanthropic, sheer will power. Things I hate recently: jealousy, people thinking I'm wrong, sweat, clutter. People I'm in awe of: Rachel Ray, Alisha, Caleb.

I'm really happy with how things are going and I just want them to go even better.

Ain't No Stoppin' Us

2007-07-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today was the free-form day I needed to get back on top.

It began with a little Me Time, watching Raven and enjoying my pajamas far more than I should have. Unfortunately, Caleb had to be at work and there was no getting out of it. Soon, there's going to be a Saturday where I make Caleb a lavish breakfast and we totally relax while looking very luxurious in our bathrobes.

When Caleb got home, it was smokin' hot outside, and we were smokin' tired, so we took a little rest. A three hour rest. A rest filled with scrapbook dreams, snores and sweat. Summer naps are the best, but Saturday summer naps beat all.

We were all arranged to go on a double date this evening to an Orem Owlz baseball game, but we got royally dumped and therefore we went alone. It was our first date date in a really long time and it was something that totally began summer for me. I think this all stems from an incredibly awesome hometown where you can go to free concerts and musicals and performances in an outdoor venue all summer long.

So, now that I've admitted that I'm spoiled in such a way, it really helped today to get out and enjoy something outdoors. And it wasn't even that hot when we were there! By the later evening, it was even nice outside.

To make up for our lack of 4th fireworks, the Owlz even put on a little light show of their own. It was awesome.

To put it blandly, if the rest of the summer goes this well, I may never want it to end.

Since U Been Gone

2007-07-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

My back aches.

I've decided that that sentiment is a great way to start my entry today. It's more than obvious that my lower back pain is more interesting than me: a) going to work, b) organizing the office, c) making shepherd's pie for dinner or d) enjoying the air conditioning.

********************************

Today was a good day. I decided to fight through the bad and only accept the good. I put out positive thoughts into the world and I received a ton of good vibes in return. All I needed to cap the day off perfectly was just some chill time to relax and feel good; and here I am! Just getting out my magical thoughts of the day and hoping upon hope that tomorrow will be even better than today.

And today was a good day.

The Weirdest Day Yet

2007-07-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been categorizing my life into days. The best day, the worst day, the funniest day. Of. My. Life. That's a hard thing and a weird thing and I don't really know why I'm doing it, but I like it. I know which day fits with which title and I can see it all so clearly in my mind that it's almost like a comedy routine.

It's helping me get my groove back, which has been gone for so long.

*****************************

I want to start writing fancyish all the time. I reread my old blog today, while I was sitting at home doing absolutely nothing for 8 hours, and I envied myself during that time period. To quote myself, "...being nostalgic is one of my least favorite things because i always feel two steps behind where i was. frustrating, no doubt."

That's probably how I'll always feel.

Even though my life is so different now than it was (and better in ways), I really knew how to live then. I knew how to get excited about things and like myself in ways that I cannot even see possible now. When thoughts come out on virtual paper like, "I am so pretty that my ego should be huge," though ironic, is comforting to an older, wider, more grizzled little girl.

******************************

I just remembered that for a span of years, I was convinced that I had a charmed life. If I put a want or a need out into the universe, it would almost wholly come to me. In what frame of time, it was never the same. But I remember specifically thinking that I got XYZ job because I needed it RIGHT then or that I got asked out on a date immediately (and randomly) after I wanted it. Now that I've seen one real person who truly has a charmed life, I am going to try to rekindle that feeling. But, I know it will be semi-charmed, because there's no way that I can match The. Charmed. Life.

*******************************

I am going to go to sleep tonight as me and wake up tomorrow as a better me.

Absolutely Zero

2007-07-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Canada Day! I've celebrated this wondrous event ever since I had a crush on one very cute Canadian boy two summers ago. Since then, we've both gotten married to other people and I'm pretty sure he lives in Idaho now, but I still have to represent my brethren from the North. I don't make anything fancy and there's not really any pomp that happens because of it, but it still lives on in my heart. Oh, Canada!

Caleb and I are officially alone again. We've been together with family for a week and a half now; while it's been fun, it's also been kind of stressful. We are both looking forward to putting together our new place and maxing and relaxing for the rest of the summer.

I've already gotten my first sunburn of the summer, so I'm officially ready for anything now.

Yesterday was Grandma Liebeck's funeral. Everyone from my family came, except for Carlie, who just got a job at Jose's. It wasn't that strenuous and I think everyone kept it together pretty well; I'm glad that Mommy could get some tears out because I know she loves Grandma very much. Having just done a temple session and being very aware of the plan of salvation recently, I was very appreciative for the knowledge that Mom is able to see her Grandma again and that Grandma is now in a place with all the people she outlived. She was 95, for heaven's sake.

Just by the by, Transformers comes out in less than 48 hours.

Moth Protomorphosis Disease

2007-06-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been quite hectic. Let's just put it that way.

Last week was the first full week without our terrible former manager at work; we have been scrambling with our small crew and our lack of authority, but the mood has never been more calm and friendly. Ahhhhhh freedom.

Two days ago, after taking Caleb to work for the day, I got in a near collision with a driver turning left in front of me. I was so shaken, as it was pretty much my first ever disaster like that, so I called into work, saying I'd be there a bit later. I called Caleb and told him the news; we talked online for awhile before he said, "So, what if we moved into Apt. 424 today?" This apartment was in our quad, so we would still be int he same ward and know our neighbors. I thought it was harmless, because there was no way that Caleb would move right before our California trip AND when we were both working the next day. Unfortunately, I called his bluff and before we knew it, we had a key to our new place and two days to move everything and clean the old apartment. Wow. What? No.

But, it is all done now. I mean, our stuff in the new place is semi-chaotic and we have basically exhausted ourselves, which is a completely smart thing to do right before a big road trip. Wow. No.

A story that came from all this moving is the terrible tale of the Moth disease. We had just finished cleaning the old apartment and I was carrying Caleb's suit and rolling our suitcase along in the blackened night, when suddenly, from the left, a large moth flew into my left eye and slashed my retina to disable me. After that was so deftly done, he barrel-rolled into my cornea and then bit the skin below my eye to poison me. I did a Matrix move and dropped the suitcase, scooping the moth from my eye and throwing him across the quad. Immediately, I called out for Caleb, who was pretty far ahead of me. No avail. He did not hear me. And since then (like, 2 hours), where he bit me has been numb and when I blink, a sharp pain happens.

Is it deadly?

We'll see!

The Quiet Inside My Mind

2007-06-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

I figured it was time to post again, due to the fact that Caleb has started complaining that no one writes on their blogs anymore. I will start the revolution and I will do whatever it takes to stop the stoppage! So, I guess that means starting to write.

However, what is really drawing me in right now is the past

With Deep Blues and Greens

2007-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, it looks like my archives are in Portuguese. I'm not really sure how it got that way and am even less sure about how to change it, but I like it so it's staying. Eu suponho este significa que eu estou indo ser bilíngüe para por algum tempo.

Things are going really great right now. Though I have few hours at work and though things are just kind of plodding day by day, it's all good. I'm really excited to go to Redlands in less than a month and I can't wait to just be the daughter again for a little bit. Being an adult can be exhausting! American Idol is having its finale tonight as well; this is only a good thing because I have gotten bored with it and I just want it to be over. Essentially, my life revolves around road trips and competitive reality TV. Yay! :-p

See? Home looks fun, right? Hahaha, I think Mom and Caleb look so cute in this picture.

Makes Me Wonder

2007-05-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I can already tell what you're thinking.

"Oh, Holly. This is just ANOTHER photo of a baby. A cute one, for sure, but kinda blah, right?"

No, no, my friends. This is Kirk Hoskins and he is the first little baby that I've ever seen my husband hold. Not only was it the most wonderful thing I've ever seen, it gave me a real notion of what it would be like to have him be the father of my children. And it was a good, great vision; Caleb carried around Kirk to check the email and to watch Transformers, he changed his little diaper and put on Kirk's blue and white feetsie pajamas. There is nothing I want more now than to have a baby, not just to fit in with the other mommys or to smell the scent of baby lotion, but because I want to watch my husband be what I really think his calling in life is: a daddy.

Therefore, this isn't just another picture - it's part of a moment in time when I saw something in my husband that I hope he sees in himself soon.

I Just Wonder

2007-05-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken on a big, wonderful, awesome, perfect birthday extravaganza that was organized specifically for that cute boy in it. I took Caleb to Heber/Park City over his birthday weekend; we fell in love with those cities when we drove down Main Street months ago and felt right at home. It was the perfect getaway, filled with Spiderman 3, delicious pizza and jetted tubs.

I promise, it was the most flawless day I've ever had. And it wasn't even MY birthday.

Life has been going along at a pretty good clip lately. Everyone's hours are getting cut at work, so for the next three weeks I'm only working 3 days a week; this leaves me lots of time for potential housecleaning and scrapbooking, but it has evolved into chatting with Caleb online and dealing with the hot weather outside. I've started working on my 12 x12 scrapbooking and it's going okay. Working out on the treadmill has been going great and I feel better already; the only thing I'm nervous about is whether or not the house will get so hot in the summer that I'll be hesitant to make myself more hot on purpose. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it though, eh? I guess the biggest thing that is the MOST hilarious is a huge misunderstanding that I had with myself and my artistic vision.

Do you see this baby? Do you see the words that go along with this baby? Once upon a time, 5 weeks ago or so, I was convinced that I was pregnant. I was so sure, in fact, that I made a secret postcard for postsecret telling the whole world, since I knew Caleb doesn't want to reveal any pregnancy until he has had some time to adjust to it.

Weeks and a period later, I'm soooo not pregnant. But, nicely enough, someone commented on the website about my secret:

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, May 13, 2007 7:41 AM
Subject: Last postcard

I just found out yesterday that I was pregnant! Everytime I think about it I start crying with joy. You are going to be a terrific parent, see you on the playground!

That makes me happy for that new little mommy, even though I probably won't see her on the playground for awhile.

And, as always, The Office. The season finale is tonight and I've been having a lot of Office dreams. Last night, it was that I was Pam, and the rest of the Office cast was on the reality show "Shear Genius" and we were all making hair styles for figure skaters. My mannequin head started out with pixie blonde hair, but as I started styling it, it became long and brunette. Obviously, Pam had her final cut in my dream. Anyway, I hope that I will be exponentially in love with The Office tomorrow morning.

Knocked Up

2007-05-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake today.

I ate dinner at 5 and then slept for two hours. And now, here I am, after "American Idol," totally feeling whacked out and a little grumpy.

It's definitely not the company; Caleb and I have really enjoyed being together in the evenings without homework or anything to distract us. It almost makes me want to play the lottery so we have the shot of spending all day every day together! But, I don't want to sound cheesy, so I'll just leave it at - I like Caleb.

What I think it is, more than anything, is that because summer is a little more chill, I also have a lot of time to think. A lot of time to worry, a lot of time to think about crazy things and a lot of time to wonder about things that have happened and some things that will never happen. I don't know how to get rid of all this stuff, seeing as I know people read this blog (as opposed to a totally private journal), but I guess that's what I get for having a husband who likes to link to me.

I miss my sisters, who have taken a road trip to Redlands and I want them to come home now.

To Be or Not to Be....NOT

2007-04-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

I will never be...

*A yes man. I will always have my own opinions and they will never be quenched when the time calls for it.

*Able to figure out everything. Try hard as I might, there is no plausible way for me to understand the world's workings. Go figure.

*Willing to tell my adult husband that he can't open the windows.

*A part of an organization that doesn't fit with my ideals and standards.

*An aider and abetter to those who are committing crimes against themselves and others. I have no time for this.

*An avid scrapbooker.

*A tyrant. Though I may be bossy, I have seen this quality in others and I am trying my darndest to keep it all to myself.

*A fantastic artist.

*Able to look some people in the eye again. Times change.

*Without the people I love and respect the most. Even though some may leave, I will always hold them in my heart.

This is Why I'm Hot

2007-04-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

Overheating. Wearing a sweatshirt and shorts in a 70 degree house and I'm sweating. It's the feeling one has after swallowing a lot of pool water; the fogginess in your head mixed with the heat of the day. The moral dilemma of it all is that if I change, I will inevitably get cold.

I've been feeling out of it for awhile. I mean, it's not like I normally have lots to do and lots of appointments, blah blah blah. But, I feel like I can't even go stay at home and feel at ease. It's not anything to do with anyone around me - it's more a physical exertion that I'm not used to. I have to battle headaches and exhaustion and overall grumpiness. I feel like it's just like Mommy says - I need to take a multi-vitamin.

Dying to make a sweet ipod mix. I might need my ipod tomorrow and I think that I have the best ideas ever as far as the mix goes. A sweet blend of hard and soft.

There is so much sweet goodness at my house right now. I want everyone to come and share in it.

You Would've Had to See It to Believe It

2007-04-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going to have 6 kids. 4 boys, 2 girls. Boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, girl. I just saw them. They all look like Caleb, except for the youngest girl. And yep, the first boy's name is McKay.

Pippity Poppity

2007-04-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

The Office has returned! This Thursday's episode, "The Negotiation" was the first time in all of season 3 that I have laughed the entire episode. Dwight was comedy gold and I didn't even hate Karen that much. I think there might be an Usher Jennifer Hudson Flanagan coming soon.

At the moment, after a strenuous day of work and easter egg hunting, we are all at my house watching one of my favorite movies, "You've Got Mail." Watching it usually makes me wish that there was a lot more mystery in my life. I don't mean to say that I want my existence to turn into a Nancy Drew novel, but I just know a lot about everything that is going on in my life right now. However, all of this is a conundrum because I spend a lot of time gathering information so I can be in the know. Meh, what do I know.

Every Little Thing

2007-03-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

They say that you can tell what a person is truly made of when you analyze their idle thoughts. If a person is bad, they will think manipulative and evil thoughts. A good person will veer towards nice and soothing thoughts. Goldiggers will think of ways to dig, writers will think of the next storyline. It's not a bad thought process and it would be very nice to be able to read others' thoughts like that.

But I can't. So, I just read my own.

My idle musings, however, are confusing. Like, now. I'm totally thinking about how every little thing she does it magic, every little thing just turns me on. Even though my life is full of tragic, blah blah blah. You see, my thoughts in the quiet moments almost always turn into a radio station. Right now, it's The Police. This morning, it was Hilary Duff telling me that I should let the rain fall down, let it wash away my sanity.

My idle thoughts are songs.

Sometimes they apply to my life, sometimes not. It may be the song I last heard. The song that was in my dream last night could be my whole soundtrack for the day. The reason for The Police is that my boyfriend got kicked off American Idol last night. This is so deeply entrenched in me that the song he sang this week was the backdrop for my dream last night that he and I were both on American Idol and when he got kicked off, I took him to the mall foodcourt. That's just the way it is.

So, take what you will from the analysis of all of this malarkey. I just figure that tomorrow's idle thoughts will have to do with songs relating to birthdays and being alive in your twenties.

Yep

2007-03-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

I like to keep it here. Just like this.

Just like this. Like this.

Here, here and here. This is what I want.

The way I want it is right here.

Sorry to anyone else. Peace.

Goodbye, Spring

2007-03-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

All good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, the nice weather here is going down the toilet as dark clouds roll in and intimidate the blue sky. The 30+ hour workweek has also come to an end, as sales have gone down and brought hours down with it. March Madness is almost at its close and leaves a void of excitement in its place. I have a sad feeling that Chris Sligh is going to get voted off "Idol" this week and the house is starting to feel stale.

It's the spring restlessness, I know it.

The things that I'm thinking about recently have come down to a pretty normal level. While I do worry about some things more than I should, I've decided to take a cavalier attitude regarding them and say "Who cares." The things that are awesome, as always, continue to be awesome. The to do list is at a doable level and my visiting teaching is almost done for this month. All in all, my psyche is getting a rest.

My birthday is on Friday, as is Ian Ziering's. And Vincent Van Gogh's. I'll be 22, which is the first age that no one cares about. I mean, people care about it, but there's nothing woohoo about turning 22. And that's fine, seeing as I've had a lot of great and woohoo things happen for me in the last year. I need a break! I'm relatively sure that Caleb has something fun planned for Friday and there's a girls' night that is happening on Saturday night. I'm just trying to keep it real as I get older.

I Should Be Your Girl

2007-03-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today? It's going alright. I've gotten some stuff done, some other stuff not done. I have been exhausted the past few days and I've been craving the cereal Trix. Guess who typically hates Trix? It all comes down to possibilities, I suppose.

My father in law had knee surgery today; he's home now and not so out of it, but my mother in law is pretty tired, seeing as she's had some sickness recently too. It's weird to think, in these situations, that there's no way Caleb and I can go visit them now, bring soup and cookies for the little girls. All we can do is offer support from waaaay over here. I'm not really sure how to do that, though.

This weekend was inventory at work; it wasn't really that bad, as it was fun to be in the store with my friends and not have to worry about taking care of customers. I was happy to see the district manager Noelle and even more happy to hear that she was holding a manager's meeting last night. I hope that things get sorted out and that the problems everyone has with Tracey will be remedied. And I'm working 8 hours on Saturday, much to my chagrin. Maybe I should have asked off, seeing as it's my first St. Patrick's Day having Irish heritage. But, with others doing the same, I'll work and it won't be a problem.

The dinner party Caleb and I threw at our house on Saturday turned out perfectly. There was nothing missing from it and nothing that detracted from its fun. Dinner was lasagna and dessert was Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies provided by the Dixons. It was the perfect amount of couples and the best possible ones, save Megan and Josh (Meg had to work and it was terrible). Something about being married and having fun married stories is great for a dinner party. The day after was daylight saving, which made 8 am church unbearable. All in all, a great night.

And now I have to fill out my bracket for the NCAA men's basketball tourney. I'm going to conquer all.

I Wish The World Were Online

2007-03-08T16:17:00.000-08:00

My life would be so much easier if its entire process was over the internet. Granted, I would make an exception for Caleb and for food, but other than that, everything sounds appealing over a computer screen.

Any cute dress I want to buy can be found online and shipped to me with 5 additional dollars. The CD I've been dying to listen to is available through iTunes, or if you're Rick, you can find it illegally somewhere. The up-to-date sports news and the latest celebrity hearsay is right at my http'd fingertips. My mom can email me and I'm more likely to respond with a full load of news which can't be interrupted with questions if I only have a 30 minute lunch. Online, I can do almost everything I want to do in less time than ever. That time that I save can be put to other slovenly uses, but dang it if I don't like things fast and impersonal sometimes.

But, what about that personal stuff? What about the times when it really is necessary for person to person contact?

Any important business, be it personal or financial, would be sanctimoniously augmented by instant messenger conferences and webcams. When I have something to gossip with about to a girlfriend, I'd text message with her while she was doing lunch in her living room. If all of the marketshare for a particular stock plummeted, the instantaneous efforts of an online trader would outweigh leaving a voice mail that would never get returned. Pouring out personal feelings would be easier, as looking into a real person's eyes makes one feel that much more vulnerable.

I'd miss hearing voices, seeing faces, poking in the ribs. But when that kind of loss is outweighed by the firewalls one can put up to keep us safe, it might be worth it. Definitely not a perfect world, but a sleeker one.

Jeremiah Trotter

2007-03-06T18:16:00.000-08:00

The Mountain West Conference Tournament started today; the team who wins today's game (TCU or New Mexico) will play BYU on Thursday. I'm really excited for BYU to win the whole thing and make a big splash in the Big Dance.

This is Caden Farnsworth. He is a baby. I think he is terribly cute and Kylee and Russ did a good job in making him. I am so happy to know him and I'm pretty excited to try and match his cuteness with our own baby someday.

I feel like I want to write this huge expression of just everything in the world. More than that, though, I think that I want to feel luxuriously sassy. If what some say were true, then I could say whatever I want and then not care. However, I know some don't mean that. The point, however, is that the last two days I feel like I've been kicking it automatic style and not really participating in life. That may be because I did a hundred loads of laundry and can't not think about swimsuit season. So, that's all I have to say. Well, it's all that is going to be here.

Doncha

2007-03-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

I love this girl. She's off the chain.

Not that another post is needed, but I kinda felt like this would be a perfect nightcap for me. My chill is gone, there was some delicious pork roast at Grandma's and I came in third place at Pirates of the Caribbean Life. But, as we all know, if you're not first, you're last. Therefore, I think it's safe to say that I've had a great day and now I'm just going to go into this next week with a certain amount of trepidation. Trepidation, you ask? Last week was really ragged and therefore I want to have so much hope for the new week. However, why set yourself up for being let down? I'll just coast into the week and wish that there will be some good things for me in the future.

Caleb is so excited for the "Search for the Next Pussycat Doll" show that starts this week. Oh, reality shows.

A Chill

2007-03-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

My mom has always had some odd views on life events and small trivial things. Thoughts like "The ocean is SO deep" and "...with muuuusic in my voice" make me wary of taking anything that my mom says seriously. However, there are a few things that she's said that I will always hold dear. One of those things is that when you get a chill during the day, you're not going to get rid of it until you go to sleep and wake up again, whether it be the next day or after a nap. That has been proven true in my life over and over again. Unfortunately, around 8:30 this morning, I was sitting in sacrament meeting and a chill hit me. Therefore, I had to sit through the rest of the meetings with a chill, walk into my cold house with a chill and visit teach with a chill. There is no hope for me.

I feel almost as cold as Julie looks here.

So Gutter, So Ghetto, So Hood

2007-03-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like hustling today. Like, high heels and black eyeliner. Ah well, I'll rock the jeans and sandals as usual and see where that gets me. This was the first Saturday in awhile that I've been able to sleep in to my heart's content, so I woke up today like a lion and decided to be in a hustling mood. Does that make sense?

Today is a huge shoe shopping extravaganza, including some of the flyest girls in the West. Because of that, I hope that we score big and get all of our shoes for free by flirting with the checker and then giving him a fake phone number. I think the two youngest would be very funny doing that. However, if that can't happen, I'm pretty sure that I want good sales and a chill mood and all the good things that come along with going out for a little spree.

Caleb is going to go with Shawn to the BYU/Utah basketball game tonight. (This is the whole reason for the shopping trip) I hope that he revives Shawn and gives him some multi-vitamins that reinvigorate his color and give him a reason to continue with this whole BYUSA thing. I cannot believe that he is considering doing this AGAIN next year, but as the head of the joint. Megan would be the perfect running mate, but Shawn may just have to settle for his #2 - Roxy.

I'm glad that ESPN is back. You have no clue.

Lost

2007-02-28T08:49:00.000-08:00

Caleb is still sick. It makes me so sad to see him feel blah, but it's even sadder that I can't do anything too fix it. I can't even urge him to go to the doctor, because he already did. It's just one of those things where we have to wait it out, I suppose.

We lost ESPN today. BYU cable decided to nix it, for whatever reason, after it moved to channel 51. I can adapt, for sure. Caleb, on the other hand, is going to have a tough time. I'm sure there will be a few petitions coming BYU's way, but who knows if they'll pay attention to the cries of married men everywhere. For now, we'll cling to The Mountain and hope that sports will soon return our way.

My group is getting smaller and smaller. I'm losing people left and right. Oh well. Let them go and see if they're welcome when they want to come back.

I Can Be The One To Take You Home

2007-02-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

Caleb is just about the best thing that has ever happened to me. More than anything, he is everything I never knew that I wanted; that may sound weird, but I'll explain.

I never knew that I wanted someone who was so sentimental. Holding random things and dates dear was never programmed into my database, so having someone in my life who makes sure we keep pictures around and knows exactly when we had our third date is refreshing. I always thought that I'd want someone who flew by the seat of his pants like I do, but Caleb has tied me to the realities and the warmth of the past.

I never knew that I wanted someone who could be so in tune with his inner kid. Caleb can sing itsy bitsy spider to me over and over again and I will never get tired of it. He will play Mario Kart for hours and still play with all of us who aren't great at it. The faces he pulls and the silly things he does endear him to me in a way that I thought only snarky and smart alec boys could. In fact, Caleb does it better.

Oddly enough, I never knew that I wanted an older brother for my sisters. Caleb has a special brand of love mixed with teasing that my sisters have never really experienced before. He can be a bully to them sometimes and still prove, with a kiss or some warm hands, that he loves them. For someone who was so arbitrary about family in her late teenage years, I now cannot imagine being with anyone who could dislike my family or be decidedly mean to them. And the best bonus is that, for the most part, my sisters and parents love Caleb too.

And finally, I never knew that I wanted someone who would make me better. For how awesome I have always thought I was, Caleb has made me realize that there are so many things that I can improve on. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes us both able to meet the goals that we made for ourselves before we came to Earth. He loves me for me and if I never changed, he would be the happiest guy in the world. But, I know that if I do what I can to add to my good qualities (though few!), he will be that much happier. I've never known anyone who inspires me as much as he does.

In short, Caleb is the best.

I Hate Change

2007-02-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

I do. Good change, bad change, change that climbs on rocks. Whenever something happens in my life that I have to get used to or embrace, I'm put out and upset. And then I feel stupid for hating it so much, which makes me more stubbornly opposed to it. In the last 2 weeks, I can only think of two changes that I'm happy with -

#1: Megan's boyfriend Josh (everything she could ever want for a first)

and #2: That I am teaching more classes at Archiver's and actually achieving something there.

Other than that, I'm opposed. Obstinately. Therefore, I'll keep on being my old stubborn self and doing whatever until I feel like doing something differently. Hate. Change.

Looking For Some Crunk Juice

2007-02-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

Though the weather is not nrealy as awesome today as it was yesterday, I'm still thinking that things are looking up. I got to leave work early (as does Caleb!), so now I can finally get around to dishes and relaxing. American Idol was great last night and The Office never fails to disappoint (unless it does, in which case I just curse Jim and leave it at that). Fridays are sometimes hard to swallow for me, but today is magic.

You're a VIP (at least to me)

2007-02-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

It has been crazy beautiful weather these last couple of days. It makes me long for California winters and going to 3rd period with your 3rd period friends and saying the right answer for the 50th time in a row. In my mind, I was such a baller from the time I was little and now I feel lucky to see the blue sky once in awhile. Silly silly silly.

My Megan just got herself a boyfriend for the first time in history. Being the best friend leads one to play protector, cheerleader and therapist all in one complex role; so, when I found out about the New Boy, I called, cheered, comforted and adviced. So so good, all of this. I'm very excited for her and I know that she will be a great girlfriend who learns a lot from being linked to another person. I've only briefly met Josh and I think his hair is crazy, but I just found out that he's a wiz at tennis and a hopeless romantic. I want Meg to fall in love.

I'm happy that I can feel so elated at waking up today, sore throat and boring day in the back of the line. I have no clue what I'm going to do today, save a visiting teaching appointment at 2. There are options, I suppose, for all of the adventures I could go on - but I am just so happy to be happy that there isn't really much concern put towards the plans today. Maybe American Idol for the third time.

Caleb has been writing ultra deep thoughts in his blog lately, doing whatever he can to get all of his big idea thoughts down on virtual paper. It makes me jealous a little, if only because I wish I could write manifestos the way he does. I've relegated myself to small paragraphs and manic thoughts; all of this because I know that it's not only me reading this space. If it were just me, I'd blow steam and convey all sorts of the magnanimous ventures I persue. Probably better the way it is, if only because my fire simply feeds itself.

Last night, Caleb and I went on our first married double date (because Caleb won't let me count the ones with Rick and Shell; he says they're too familiar to me). Our home teacher, Mitch and his wife Janie came to our house for some Carbonara and to the dollar theater for some "Holiday." I had a blast and am so sad that those two are moving after the semester ends (Mitch graduates and they're going to return to Arizona). My ploy is to tell Janie that she can't move until we both get pregnant at the same time; I doubt it'll work, but I'd love to do water aerobics with her.

It's still earlyish morning, and I'm all prepped and the house looks magical. It's amazing what some Tylenol PM will do for your rest patterns. I slept like a rock and the sun is out, so now I feel like I can take over the world. Maybe I will, so I can tell people exactly how to act and then change won't be so hard for me. Yaaaay sunshine.

A Cleaner Point of View

2007-02-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

I don't know what makes me want to keep it all in at the moment. It may be that I feel like my life isn't really in my control at the moment and it may be that I'm overworked and underpaid. But, all that I really know is that life has been kind to me and I may as well start returning the favor. Even if it puts me out of favor.

Work went well today and went by fast. That's always a sign that work might be better than average; I was helping people decorate picture frames all day and chatting with them to pass the time. I would make an excellent bartender and an even better politician. What with my matchmaking skills going to waste, I may as well find a better hobby to while away the countless hours. Bartending. It's something to think about.

Being an LDS girl, it's interesting to grow up and have life change so quickly all with one foul swoop. That of clothing (and underclothing), that of friends (and acquaintances) and that of all manners of discussion topics (and idle chatter). What I wouldn't give to be able to have my skin show at the bottom of my shirt sometimes and there are thousands of things that I could think of that are better to stand around and talk about besides what baby wipes are best for babies' bottoms and for cleaning up crafts. It's inane. And so is the feeling of elastic around my thorpex.

Plain and simple, I need to start doing things anonymously and then being upfront with myself. I know that's been a running theme with this blog for a couple of posts, but I can't seem to drive it home hard enough.

At This Point, It's Just Hating the Game

2007-02-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have this savage cut on my foot that came from who knows where. And after picking up the house, I put on my red Steve Maddens because I'd so carelessly left them around from last night. Now, I'm strutting in 3 inch heels and showing off my wound to The Warrior. He's my fish. No one else is here to see it.

After an odd morning of waking up, reading, going to sleep again and waking up again, I was pretty rancid. I am glad no one was here to see me so rotten. A shower helped, plus exercising some demons and then I had an epiphany. Everyone's business is NOT my business. Though I like to imagine that I'm an actually helpful individual and an empathic one at that, I am batting .000 at keeping my heart from breaking. So, I'll love who I love and I'll hate who I hate. There will be wonderings on my part and there will be suggestions in my pocket. But few, if any, will know about them because, gosh dang, I hate being the fragile one. It's not fun or pretty to hear "don't get upset about what I'm about to say" or "don't worry about this one" when people AREN'T dying and it shouldn't affect me.

Therefore, if you're used to being gossipy with me or getting excited with me, you're going to start writing checks you can't cash. Out of luck.

Tonight is a new Office; I believe Ryan the (former) temp is taking Michael to be a guest speaker at his business school. That should prove to be entertaining, but the main event will be the Jim/Pam interaction that hopefully won't be ignored. We'll see!

I learned how to play chess last Sunday; I didn't get thrashed (thankfully), so I'm likely to play again even though I lost. Caleb was a very patient teacher and I didn't throw the game table in fury. So, that's one for the record books.

Been Hatin' All My Playin' For Years

2007-02-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling manic today; simply, luxuriously manic. I had forgotten how much inspiration comes from boredom and how much prose is possessed in the state of blah. Dressed like a soccer mom today (which, I would be happy if I looked like this at 40) and hair all tied up like I actually have a need to have it out of my face. I don't. Not today. Day off of work and a husband gone all day. If I were a bit more acerbic, I'd probably have gone on a shopping spree already today. I've been meaning to get a pair of leggings to avert the cool winter chill. That chill's not even upon us today.

We are doing secret valentines at work; the girl I have is never there and the girl who has me is probably frustrated that I'm always there. The magical gift I received is a teeny tiny cookie cutter that is in the shape of a heart with an arrow across it. Owned it for days, but it still hasn't gone to any good use. I feel like today is the day, though sugar cookies just sound awful to me. Maybe I can give them away as little valentine's helper gifts to great people in my life. Adversely, the cookie idea is a pretty obtuse one, considering that I'm on steroids that make me fat.

I'm not feeling any better intrinsically, so the steroids are for naught at the moment.

The whole housewife thing is not as bad as I imagined it to be; now that the lines have been set straight about who does what and who comes where and when we are where we are, I find that chores and foodstuffs aren't as difficult as once thought. Now, for some reason, I feel like there is nothing I'd rather do than the wifey things around the house, the errands needing to be run, all day long for the rest of my life. But then it all sets in: no money for a baby (and that wait is getting longer the more days I'm married), no end in sight for the scrapbooking tour of duty and pressures to be The Best, The Helpfullest, The Wife. Not to mention I'd get so frickin' bored.

It has been a long while since I've had to entertain myself for hours and hours on end. When we first got married, Caleb would trip his way to school and I would proceed a long day without shower and with lots of Cash Cab. I showered early today, got dolled up and immediately did dishes, laundry AND vacuuming. All to no avail; I'm still bored. The only thing to cure the boredom now is some calesthenics and perhaps some breakfast for dinner.

Another Boring Post

2007-01-31T16:56:00.000-08:00

Today I worked for 4.5 hours at Archiver's; I know that doesn't sound exciting (and it wasn't!), but I got to work with two girls that I really love, Keera and Melanie. It started snowing right when Caleb and I got ourselves to school and work, so the snow scared everyone away from the mall. We didn't make much money at all in the 4.5 hours that I was at work, so the three of us girls got to work on projects and just have fun.

And Caleb took off work tonight, so we're going to reality TV it up and have a fun night. I hope it's fun, because tomorrow may be a very sad day.

400 Level Class

2007-01-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

A girl I visit teach asked me why Caleb and I attend basketball games (but she intonated all sports in general). My immediate response was "It's because we like competition," but I think it's a lot more than that. The conversation turned away from sports, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about her question. Caleb and I love to attend any sporting event; we have fun rooting for the home team and celebrating great plays on either side. There's something about feeding off the energy of the crowd and being able to turn to the strangers around you and high five and scream together. Also, there's always the potential to rush the field after a big win. All of these things are impossible when you're sitting on your bum at home, watching the game on TV. Besides, after all this proof, I just don't understand why one would begrudge someone else going to see a sport that they like. It's all just silly.

I haven't been feeling great the last 3 or 4 days. And, granted, I haven't been feeling 100% for awhile, but these past few days have made me really sick of being sick. Unfortunately, my specialist appointment was moved from today to Thursday, so I have to wait an extra two days to find out why my ear and head has been going crazy for so long. Until then, I'll just keep downing the meds and feeling guilty about Caleb waiting on me hand and foot. He is super, extra nice.

I'm so excited now that American Idol has started. It gives me something silly and awesome to look forward to and another television show to be obsessed with. I can't wait until the auditions are over so we can get to Hollywood week; for some reason, that is one of my favorite parts of the show. Yaaaaay TV.

Who Boosts the Boosters?

2007-01-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to start the exercise routine with Caleb in the evenings. The past couple of days, I've been feeling the groggy spell around 6ish, no matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before. This must be the sign that I need that boost of energy; it'll be an interesting thing if I'm actually right and it does boost my energy. And no matter what, I can't wait until Caleb is home in the evenings, period.

One thing that drives me crazy about working at Archiver's is that for some reason, I feel like I need to be as creative and crafty as the other girls who work there. I am the only beginner and still learning the ropes, but I want to be as off-the-cuff amazing. So, tonight, I ordered 20 free Disney photos from snapfish.com and I opened my new Disney scrapbook and I'm envisioning amazing pages coming forth from my head. Something like that, something.

And I'm on the phone with Caleb, wanting to break out the old Carmen Electra workout videos. I'm pretty stoked about it, actually. Yay!

Tonight: American Idol!

Reflection

2007-01-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

Going to school showed me that my whole reason for college was to get married. I know, the M.R.S. degree isn't going to really impress anyone (except the unmarried BYU co-eds) and maybe I'll go back someday, but Caleb and I haven't really talked about it recently. What I'm doing with most of my time is working at a scrapbooking store called Archiver's; I started out as a customer service rep, not really knowing anything about scrapbooking or caring to know anything about it. Now, I'm the media representative, going on TV to show news anchors and local daytime talk shows how to scrapbook and craft their way to glory. I still know nothing about it and don't ever do it myself, but I can fake my way for TV. Sometime, I'll put my spots on youtube and dirty up the internet even more.

Marriage is fantastic; we've almost been married 6 months and have it down pretty well. We are living in BYU married apartments. I work from 7-3 most days, while Caleb is at school and then he works on campus from 5-9. I haven't had to do all the wifey things so far; we never eat dinner together and we take turns doing all of the chores around the house. I figure once I start popping out babies, I'll probably take over the lion's share of it, but until then... Yeah, still the same. Caleb is great. That's all there is.

It Takes a Thief

2007-01-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight, on "The Office," Karen is going to ask Jim if he has feelings for Pam still. I cannot wait to see how that'll turn out. And, on another Office note, I had a dream last night that Dwight and I were in love. When I woke up, I felt so....wrong.

Today is the last of my three days off in a row; it was totally awesome to just do whatever I wanted for these past couple of days, but I suppose I'll have fun going back to work too. Tomorrow is one of my co-worker's birthday, so I can't decide whether or not I should make a cake or not. The last time someone brought cake to work for a birthday, there was a pan debacle that lasted months!

I'm missing the California weather in this single digit Utah winter. I'm also coming to terms with not going to Disneyland for awhile, which is always a weird realization. Most people only go once in a lifetime, but I have become so used to multiple trips in a year.

And pretty much it's a regular Thursday.

Golden Globe Fever

2007-01-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

We're watching the Golden Globes right now. We'll be sleeping in clean sheets tonight and a girl at work offered to buy me a pregnancy test during her break today. So, obviously, a good day for me today. Except for the nausea thing.

Today, Caleb had the day off school, but I still went into work at 7 am. It got to be double digit weather for about an hour today, so you can imagine how freezing it was at 6:45 when I got to work! Luckily, it was almost a tropical heat wave inside the store and there were too many customers to notice.

And I just ordered a cup of chocolate pudding with a wave of my finger. Awesome.

I have a doctor's appointment at the Student Health Center in two days to fix my blocked eustachian tube dysfunction. I'm hesitant that it will actually work, but I guess it's my quarterly doctor's appointment to remedy it. And forget hesitant - add completely unconvinced.

I was two for two at the beginning of this awards show; now, I'm pretty much two for N. I'm bad at this game. Caleb just promised that if he ever wins a golden globe, at the end of his speech, he'll point to the crowd and say "And remember - all of you are like Transformers, with more than meets the eye." Killer.

I Punched My Husband in my Sleep

2007-01-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda feeling like <----- this at the moment. Not like, falling down on the floor wretched, but just kind of down. This could be for a lot of reasons - the vacation being over, the never ending snow, feeling like a totally different (and sometimes worse) person than I was a year ago. A lot of that has to do with not necessarily working on the outside as much I was focusing on the inside this year. I worked on my spirituality, my caring of other people and being a better person. Doing that, I let go of the outside. Now, I'm sort of resolving to do better on that. If I make it a resolution for the new year, however, I might not make it; therefore, I'm only SORT of resolving. That's how I like it.

In order to do all that, I'm smoothing out my face, I'm getting a great haircut, doing other things that might help me out on the outside. But, I can't see the end result.

Tryin' So Hard

2007-01-05T18:37:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to write on this blog every day, but since I've been in California, I've been too busy partying to actually do it. Man, now that I'm home, I'm going to try super hard. SUPER hard.

My New Year's resolution is to save up money for the Prince concert that I'm going to with Megan later this year. It's expensive and I am going to save up my loose change!

On the travel up to Utah, we got caught in a blizzard 90 miles south of Provo. It was dark and we could not see in front of us at all, so Caleb pulled off the highway and we checked into a hotel in Scipio. We got one of the last three rooms (with a king size bed!) and had a hard night's sleep. The Warrior also didn't sleep well and he was grumpy on the hour long drive up this morning; he might have also been grumpy because he had to travel in a box to and from California when he could have stayed home. Anyway, we are now home safely, but with another adventure under our belts!